Limbo

I dislike living in a state of limbo. I am a planner, I like to know what's happening, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.

But lately, so much on the horizon, so much just hanging out there with no resolution in sight, so much going on since the last time I posted. Looking back it all seems really trivial, the disappointment that I felt in my last post. I think I was more heartbroken than my child about the injustice that was done to my sweet little boy.

It seems inconsequential, when, right now the Mailman's job is on the line, and the very best-case scenario there is, results in a 27% paycut for him. So, all in all, not good.

Even with me working (I am working now, yes, one reason I am not blogging) things are tight. And we are trying to decide,

do the girls need to be on the gymnastics team?
no, you do not need a $47.94 new swim team swimsuit, a used, non-matching one will do
dinner out is not an option

and we are carefully adding up our grocery bill as we walk through the grocery store, putting things back that go over the budget.

and I know they will get worse--and there is not much I can do. but I have to remember, that God is good. Always. In everything. In every situation, even when it seems hopeless, it's not. And I'm believing that I will look back on this day of job-searching, number-crunching, and worrying (even though I know I'm not supposed to, because I know God's got this)--and I will wonder why I worried. This will seem inconsequential.

God has provided
cash from an anonymous donor when no one knew we needed it
hand me downs from people we barely knew (who just felt led to give them to us)
food from parents, and from friends who bought extra on sale
doors opening just when we begin to think they are locked

So I know God's got this as well.

Matthew 6:33-34

The Message (MSG)

^30-33 “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
³⁴ “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes

Disappointment

Here's a secret...I don't handle disappointment very well. Especially when it relates to my children.

It tends to throw me into a funk. It makes me want to quit everything. I tend to gain weight, waste money, and let my house go...when something big hits me. Or something little and trivial, really, if it's something that means a lot to one or more of my kids.

And that's what has happened. I don't feel like going into details, but why I can't just pick myself back up and move on? I don't know. And the kids may handle it better than me, but in my heart I know (or believe anyway), that their hearts are broken and it just kills me.

I know that I should deal with it better, to model for my children how life's not fair--and that's okay. I know we could have worse problems. I know, for the most part, things are going well. But it's one little (big) thing that is a sticking point, that just gets me down. And it's just one kid this time--just the boy. My little guy. My little 6 year old, curly headed, funny, smart sweetheart. It's heartbreaking for him, and I am having a hard time letting it go.

I am praying that God will give me a sense of peace about this thing. So I can move on, and not let a dark cloud hover over the summer. But I feel like it won't get better, and I really have to struggle to not be bitter about it. And not obsess about it. So I'm praying for peace in this disappointment.

School's..........out, for summer...

And it's 61 degrees. And rainy. Fab.

Here, in Indiana, we had 85 degree days in March, and over Memorial Day weekend, it reached into the mid-nineties. But now that it's June, and school's out, and all the kids want to swim...it's raining.

So we will march on, making our summer list, awaiting nicer, warmer, sunnier weather. Maybe we'll stay in and clean house. Oh, the kids would love that. Haha. Mean mom!

Henry's baseball game may get rained out tonight, and the first swim team practice of the summer may get cancelled due to cold--but our house will sparkle! What a fun mom I am.

(snicker.)

So here it is. And you can tell it's the last day of school, too.

There are piles...and I'm not exaggerating...PILES of papers, art projects, worn out folders, broken down crayons, and dried up highlighters---littering our living room floor. The place where the kids come in the door and plop it all down. It's summer again. :-)

June 1 Already

SO I've been remiss. again. in blogging. and here it is June.

The kids have just 2 more days of school--Monday and Tuesday--til they are out til mid-August. I love summer break. at least until they start arguing.

And then there will be a 7th grader, a 4th grader, a 2nd grader and a....? I don't know what yet--grader in the house. Bea has a September birthday, which is bad in Indiana, where the cut off is early.

But I want her to start kindergarten this fall, anyway, despite her not turning 5 til mid-September. that would be okay, right? she wouldn't be scarred for life, would she? she wants to go to the big kids' school, she'll be fine, I'm sure.

Hopefully. So we'll see how the summer goes.

Today she read her first "Bob" book. Mostly read it, with a little help from me. She found it hysterical when Mat sat on Sam. And Sam sat on Mat. We'll keep working on it and see how the summer goes.

I know I'm not the only one who thinks, this will be the best summer ever!, every summer. because I do. I know, cheesy. but I hold out hope, every year. and it isn't usually, or maybe it is. but they go by so quickly.

This weekend I want to make our family's 2012 Summer List. It won't probably be as cute as some I've seen on pinterest, but it will be our summer list. And hopefully, just maybe, we'll get it all done. and before the first or second week of August, when I typically realize summer's almost over and scramble to get it all finished. :-)

So we'll see how it goes. I plan to blog more, for sure, not because it's on any list anywhere, but just because I want to. So we'll see how that goes too.

Happy June!

Saturday

For the first time in I-don't-know-how-long, we had a mostly free day. To be fair, not totally free but we were finished with what we had to do by 9:30 a.m.

Out the door by 8 a.m., home by 9:45, and then just the day to do what we wished. The mailman was doing his mail thing and Paige was at this event. And the 3 younger kids and I stayed in.

i did yoga meltdown dvd (have I mentioned that it IS TOUGH! today made the 2nd time and IT WAS TOUGH!)

kids played with waffle blocks and little tiny people and lightsabers (and there were injuries, which resulted in all 3 kids sitting on the blue couch watching me do the yoga dvd)

middle kids taught Bea her letters ("when 2 vowels go walking, the first one does the talking" Henry told Bea as he attempted to teach her how to read the word "eat")

all 3 younger kids built a huge Webkinz jungle gem with these fun building straws

i made pizza dough from scratch again. one to bake for supper, and one to freeze (it is rising as we speak)

i cleaned. a lot. and trust me the house needed it. bad.

and the kids cleaned, against their wills, really, but still, they cleaned.

and now I feel I can breathe again in this house. It had gotten so cluttered and so overwhelming. and our days had been so busy, it was just nice to stay home and have the day to ourselves.

Tomorrow will be another busy day with church, a birthday party, JBQ, and preparations for the week. But for once, we had just a day.

and it was so nice!

And the case of the missing motivation...

Today was probably the first warm, consistently sunny day we've had in, oh, I don't know how long. It was the sort of day that makes you want to go outside and run, if your knees don't hurt too much.

Today, Bea went to a playdate, but had to come early because the friend she was intending to play with was sick...so she played with the friend's grandma instead.

Today, El was diagnosed with ringworm on the back of her leg. And all 4 kids and I got a good giggle waiting on the doctor to come in because one of the other kids remarked that the spot looked like a piece of pepperoni. And of course, giggling and overall silliness ensued. To the point that the doctor couldn't help but laugh when Henry told him that we thought it looked like pepperoni.

Today I lost my motivation too. I always think, if the sun would only shine, THEN I would be motivated again. But somehow, somewhere along the line...even with the sun shining today...I lost it. Just sort of gave up. But the good thing is, instead of doing what I needed to be doing, I hung out on the back patio while the 2 younger kids played on the treehouse for the first time this season. I witnessed the inaugural treehouse meeting of 2012, if you will.

Today I realized for real that there is a good chance Bea won't be ready for kindergarten in the fall. She apparently can write her first name, but 99.9% of the time, chooses to just write "B". So, either lack of readiness or unwillingness...in any case, she'll likely not be ready.

Today I read lots of other people's blogs and got that awful, dreaded feeling I get sometimes when I am aware of my inadequacies. My house is not organized like it should be, I don't have one surface in my house covered with chalkboard paint, and I have never made a decent banner out of fabric.and I've never made cake pops. And I don't photograph newborns for a living. Sigh, blog envy. 

And today I realized I can't do it all. Not all at once. I have all these voices in my head...you know what I mean, right?

All of these things I should be
doing
thinking about
praying about
cleaning
creating
teaching
baking
cooking
crafting
enjoying

Enjoying? I know I will someday when it's all perfect. But why not now, when it's not perfect?

I'm sure I'm not the first, or only, person to feel that way. So here goes.

off to heat up cans of soup for supper, clear the junk off the kitchen table, and serve the warmed up soup to my children with their messy hair and mismatched socks (because, yeah, laundry is probably behind).

I've got to be okay with that.

In which she realizes she has had it all wrong...

So, I was at Target this morning. And that, believe it or not, is a fairly rare occurrence. As much as I love it, I know better. We have been credit card/credit card debt free for at least a few years--and my distance from Target is one of the reasons we have managed to remain so.

...but that wasn't my point. sorry.... ;-)

Anyway, it occurred to me, while I was at Target this morning: kidless (three in school, and one in preschool) that most of the Wednesday morning regular clientele was made up of women with young children. Children being pushed in carts, children munching on popcorn eaten out of red bullseye print bags, children prancing down the aisles with their mothers, their pigtails flopping, full of life. And it was a regular thing. I get the feeling that some of these moms go shopping at Target with their toddlers and preschoolers regularly.

and I can't remember the last time I went shopping at Target, just a regular day, with my kids in tow. Not that shopping at Target is the stuff dreams are made of (not the children's dreams anyway...mine are a whole 'nother story). But it's just that since I've been a stay at home mom, which has been--let me think--over 7 years--really? Wow---I have never, ever made a habit of going shopping--or anywhere other than the grocery store--and then only because we had to. With the kids.

It's all too easy when your parents live 5 minutes from your house and are retired--to just drop off the kids whenever it's easier to go alone. Or just drop them off for the day so you can get stuff done at home. It is easier, right? And I know plenty of moms who would if they could, but their parents are working, or live too far away, or generally are just busy. So I guess it's a blessing to have close-by, ready, available and willing parents to watch the kiddies.

But also, sort of a curse. It's too easy. I haven't stepped up to the plate to be the stay at home that I should have been.  Especially these last 2 school years--it has just been me and Bea. The others all in school all day long. Why hasn't she become my little buddy? Why haven't I made her play dough from scratch? Why haven't we made a tradition of baking cookies every Tuesday, or visiting the library every Friday? or making crafts? or having tea parties? or meeting friends for playdates at the park to play and eat lunch?

I know it's too late to go back and fix it. And the truth is, I tried. She didn't like the library story time--it was too loud--and she would prefer to just stay home. And tea parties? Well I guess we sort of have them every time she brings me piles of play food when I'm at my computer and I pretend to eat them. ("yum, yum" I tell her, pretending to take a bite, and she smiles, knowing I "tried" it). And play dough? Well I don't know if there's a reason for why I didn't make homemade playdough. I seem to be the only mom on the blog block who hasn't.

The truth is, I feel inadequate. I feel like I haven't done a very good job. And to be fair, when I quit my teaching job when my now-8 year old was 18 months--I did so with the promise that I would still bring in my share fair of income by selling on ebay. Which I did. For many years. And still do, to some extent.

But as a result, I've always felt like that was what I needed to be doing.  Deal with the kids then get back to listing. I know that regular, non work at home moms don't do crafts and bake cookies and have tea parties and shop at Target all day long. But that's part of the package right? And I admittedly have felt guilty while being bored playing Dora Candyland on those many occasions I tried to be the good mom and play.

So why is it plaguing me today? I guess now that I am in the midst of looking for a job (the one I interviewed for didn't pan out, needless to say), and that Bea might go to kindergarten next year (still not sure though), I feel time is slipping through my fingers. I feel saddened and overwhelmed.

The everyday-ness of being an at-home mom, whether it's a strictly nonworking (for money I mean--please don't misread the phrase "nonworking"), an ebay selling mom, a crafty etsy mom, a blogging mom...or whatever--the everyday-ness of it all--I've let slip by.

I've stressed
about money
the house
ebay
the kids
losing weight
doing this better
doing that better

and now where am I?

Probably feeling a little sorry for myself, sadly, but still, sorry and saddened enough to hopefully do something about it. Still looking for a job, still working on the house, the weight loss, the all of the above. But determined to do something about it.