And the case of the missing motivation...

Today was probably the first warm, consistently sunny day we've had in, oh, I don't know how long. It was the sort of day that makes you want to go outside and run, if your knees don't hurt too much.

Today, Bea went to a playdate, but had to come early because the friend she was intending to play with was sick...so she played with the friend's grandma instead.

Today, El was diagnosed with ringworm on the back of her leg. And all 4 kids and I got a good giggle waiting on the doctor to come in because one of the other kids remarked that the spot looked like a piece of pepperoni. And of course, giggling and overall silliness ensued. To the point that the doctor couldn't help but laugh when Henry told him that we thought it looked like pepperoni.

Today I lost my motivation too. I always think, if the sun would only shine, THEN I would be motivated again. But somehow, somewhere along the line...even with the sun shining today...I lost it. Just sort of gave up. But the good thing is, instead of doing what I needed to be doing, I hung out on the back patio while the 2 younger kids played on the treehouse for the first time this season. I witnessed the inaugural treehouse meeting of 2012, if you will.

Today I realized for real that there is a good chance Bea won't be ready for kindergarten in the fall. She apparently can write her first name, but 99.9% of the time, chooses to just write "B". So, either lack of readiness or unwillingness...in any case, she'll likely not be ready.

Today I read lots of other people's blogs and got that awful, dreaded feeling I get sometimes when I am aware of my inadequacies. My house is not organized like it should be, I don't have one surface in my house covered with chalkboard paint, and I have never made a decent banner out of fabric.and I've never made cake pops. And I don't photograph newborns for a living. Sigh, blog envy. 

And today I realized I can't do it all. Not all at once. I have all these voices in my head...you know what I mean, right?

All of these things I should be
doing
thinking about
praying about
cleaning
creating
teaching
baking
cooking
crafting
enjoying

Enjoying? I know I will someday when it's all perfect. But why not now, when it's not perfect?

I'm sure I'm not the first, or only, person to feel that way. So here goes.

off to heat up cans of soup for supper, clear the junk off the kitchen table, and serve the warmed up soup to my children with their messy hair and mismatched socks (because, yeah, laundry is probably behind).

I've got to be okay with that.

In which she realizes she has had it all wrong...

So, I was at Target this morning. And that, believe it or not, is a fairly rare occurrence. As much as I love it, I know better. We have been credit card/credit card debt free for at least a few years--and my distance from Target is one of the reasons we have managed to remain so.

...but that wasn't my point. sorry.... ;-)

Anyway, it occurred to me, while I was at Target this morning: kidless (three in school, and one in preschool) that most of the Wednesday morning regular clientele was made up of women with young children. Children being pushed in carts, children munching on popcorn eaten out of red bullseye print bags, children prancing down the aisles with their mothers, their pigtails flopping, full of life. And it was a regular thing. I get the feeling that some of these moms go shopping at Target with their toddlers and preschoolers regularly.

and I can't remember the last time I went shopping at Target, just a regular day, with my kids in tow. Not that shopping at Target is the stuff dreams are made of (not the children's dreams anyway...mine are a whole 'nother story). But it's just that since I've been a stay at home mom, which has been--let me think--over 7 years--really? Wow---I have never, ever made a habit of going shopping--or anywhere other than the grocery store--and then only because we had to. With the kids.

It's all too easy when your parents live 5 minutes from your house and are retired--to just drop off the kids whenever it's easier to go alone. Or just drop them off for the day so you can get stuff done at home. It is easier, right? And I know plenty of moms who would if they could, but their parents are working, or live too far away, or generally are just busy. So I guess it's a blessing to have close-by, ready, available and willing parents to watch the kiddies.

But also, sort of a curse. It's too easy. I haven't stepped up to the plate to be the stay at home that I should have been.  Especially these last 2 school years--it has just been me and Bea. The others all in school all day long. Why hasn't she become my little buddy? Why haven't I made her play dough from scratch? Why haven't we made a tradition of baking cookies every Tuesday, or visiting the library every Friday? or making crafts? or having tea parties? or meeting friends for playdates at the park to play and eat lunch?

I know it's too late to go back and fix it. And the truth is, I tried. She didn't like the library story time--it was too loud--and she would prefer to just stay home. And tea parties? Well I guess we sort of have them every time she brings me piles of play food when I'm at my computer and I pretend to eat them. ("yum, yum" I tell her, pretending to take a bite, and she smiles, knowing I "tried" it). And play dough? Well I don't know if there's a reason for why I didn't make homemade playdough. I seem to be the only mom on the blog block who hasn't.

The truth is, I feel inadequate. I feel like I haven't done a very good job. And to be fair, when I quit my teaching job when my now-8 year old was 18 months--I did so with the promise that I would still bring in my share fair of income by selling on ebay. Which I did. For many years. And still do, to some extent.

But as a result, I've always felt like that was what I needed to be doing.  Deal with the kids then get back to listing. I know that regular, non work at home moms don't do crafts and bake cookies and have tea parties and shop at Target all day long. But that's part of the package right? And I admittedly have felt guilty while being bored playing Dora Candyland on those many occasions I tried to be the good mom and play.

So why is it plaguing me today? I guess now that I am in the midst of looking for a job (the one I interviewed for didn't pan out, needless to say), and that Bea might go to kindergarten next year (still not sure though), I feel time is slipping through my fingers. I feel saddened and overwhelmed.

The everyday-ness of being an at-home mom, whether it's a strictly nonworking (for money I mean--please don't misread the phrase "nonworking"), an ebay selling mom, a crafty etsy mom, a blogging mom...or whatever--the everyday-ness of it all--I've let slip by.

I've stressed
about money
the house
ebay
the kids
losing weight
doing this better
doing that better

and now where am I?

Probably feeling a little sorry for myself, sadly, but still, sorry and saddened enough to hopefully do something about it. Still looking for a job, still working on the house, the weight loss, the all of the above. But determined to do something about it.

Overwhelmed

I don't know about the job yet--I'm still not sure what I'll say if it is offered to me. I considered working as a substitute teacher instead. Or doing nothing. And staying home and trying to get some things in order: house, kids, myself, take care of that laundry list of things I have been putting off forever.

I still thought maybe I could sub once or twice a week. And then Sunday night I had this awful dream. It started out as my son's birthday party, but none of the kids would listen to me. All I wanted to do was take a group picture--and none of them would be still and line up.

I kept saying, "okay, tall kids in the back, mediums in the middle, littles in the front" like they were lining up for a class picture or something. Only the kids were running around screaming. And I kept looking at the Mailman, and putting my fingers to my mouth as if I wanted him to whistle to get their attention. Because they clearly weren't listening to me.

Then somehow it morphed into a school situation, in which all the kids abruptly left the classroom, and left all of their papers on the floor, and on the desks, and on the tables and chairs. And suddenly it was the lunchroom--and everyone came in for lunch: hundreds of kids and teachers marched in. I was crawling around on the floor frantically picking up the kids' papers and coats they had left behind. And I felt awful, and inadequate. And I realized when I awoke that maybe substitute teaching wouldn't work out either.

So last night I had a nice talk with the Mailman and we determined that maybe I do just need some time to put things in order. Starting with just one thing at a time. Some days I try to tackle it all at once, and end up feeling unmotivated and frustrated.

So today I'm going to make a list of what is reasonable (and not what *I* think is reasonable, but what is really reasonable), and tackle what I can. Like today, maybe that means dishes. Getting things back in reasonable order then tackling one thing at a time.

Matthew 6:25-27: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

Thankful Days and Days I'm not so sure...

Well, yesterday got away from me and before I knew it, I didn't post. The business of the kids' play and the bad funk I've been in for a week plus...I just didn't have the time or focus to post.

And as it turns out, today brings to a close Week 3 of  (Be ready by...) PROJECT 2012. 

Can you say FAIL?

I'm being very honest and very serious when I say that often, I wonder if I need medication for this rollercoaster of emotions I ride. When I'm in that bad place that I was in this past week (and really, some of the week before, I just had a brief respite last Sunday), it was hard to tear myself out of it, except for a few moments here and there.  But when I'm feeling better, more energetic, motivated, task-oriented, focused...like today, I think I can do it all, with a prayer and some good music playing. And so it goes til the next dip in my emotional road (oh, who am I kidding, it's not a dip at all, it's one of those super tall peaks that I come crashing down from at lightning speed........or perhaps it happens slower but the intensity and depth of the valley is the same).

And it happens, inevitably, and I still can't pinpoint why. Sometimes it's something that gets in my head and makes me begin to worry needlessly and stew about some problem. Sometimes I wake up and can't get going, and it begins. Sometimes it's an argument with a loved one (okay......the Mailman normally...not just any loved one).

But when I'm up, I feel I can conquer the world. And that's where this challenge came from. So on an off-week, my to do list seems hopelessly insurmountable. And overwhelming. In a week where I can't even seem to function enough to wash dishes, my challenge seems ridiculous. So this week was.

I did manage to cross off just a few things, but suffice it to say, I'll be backtracking a bit this next week, to try to make up for some lost time.

In a nutshell, regarding my BIG list, I didn't get much done. And much of what I got done was accomplished on the 2 days that the Mailman was home. Having him home motivates me, makes me feel better all the way around, and keeps me going somehow. Too bad he normally works long hours 6 days a week.

So tomorrow I am going to revamp my lists a bit, and I'm wondering, maybe they need to be made more do-able. ?  Could it be I've, once again, set my expectations too high?

Before I forget, I did not forget to be thankful. Today's item I am especially thankful for, and really it sort of covers both days, I guess.

That one extra hour of sleep last night! Got a really good night's sleep and I do feel more refreshed today, despite a nagging headache.

So even though I hate "springing forward", it should be noted that I love, love, love "falling back".

Here's hoping that the extra rest, the renewed motivation, and the sort-of clean house will be enough to get me going tomorrow, and for the rest of the week. We shall see.

Thankful Day 3

I feel broken today. I just feel so swallowed up in overwhelming emotion and defeat, I feel so physically worn out, I'm just spent.

I know...bring on the drama. (oh, the humanity!)...........

This is not the post I wanted to write today. I thought I was going to wake up this morning with a song in my heart and a spring in my step. I thought I would have yet another do-over today. Because I need it after yesterday.

But instead I woke up so tired, and so sluggish, with a slightly-sick child (who just happens to be losing her voice on the eve of a theater performance of Cinderella...in which she is Drizella, the nasty stepsister), and a slightly-sick feeling in my heart.

and I can't explain it.

We are all worn out here. We are overscheduled, overwhelmed, overtired, overburdened with responsibility, indecision, and a general feeling of..ugh.

And I know we all (meaning the general population of women, men, children and families) have these same feelings. I know my own family of 6 is not the only one who feels this way. Believe me, I know.

But some days it just hits me more than others. And lately, it's been hitting me a lot.

So this morning, as I made Eleanor a concoction of honey, lemon juice, and warm water, as I hurriedly wrote a note to her teacher explaining that Eleanor's voice is about shot........I worried.

When I drug myself into the van to take my kids to school, wearing my oh-so-fashionable snowman pajama pants, fuzzy socks, crocs (I know, I'm so 2009), and fuzzy hoody, with non-travel coffee cup in hand (and yes, I spilled in my hurry to get out the front door), I really worried. I really felt it.

I told Eleanor I was worried about her voice. I was worried she wouldn't be able to perform at her dress rehearsal tonight (where I would be video taping, as would many other parents), I told her even more so, I was worried she wouldn't be able to perform tomorrow night at opening night.

And it was not just her voice that had me worried. I know her losing her voice is small potatoes to some people. I have children with no major health problems, we have just/almost enough money each month. Our circumstances are not nearly as tragic as other people's.

But sometimes it is just all of the above. It just hits you all at once. Not just worry, but anxiety and stress.

And on the way home, I pondered all of this in the silence of the van. Halfway home, I turned on my favorite radio station, and heard an ad for the Moody Bible Institute Bible verse of the week.

Philippians 4:6
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

And then I realized, yet again (you would think I would get it by now): God really cares for us. He knows how things are going to turn out. He knows all the big and little things that worry us. He knows!

Why should I worry when I know God is taking care of it all? Because I'm human. I am still learning to immerse myself in God's word, to not be swayed by my emotions, to not ride the rollercoaster that I have ridden for so long in m;y life. I'm still working on me.

and God is too. Little by little, changing me and shaping me

Just like with my house, and my health and my family, I will never be perfect. The closer I get to God, the more I see how imperfect I am. But rather than let that bother me, I need to learn more to just throw myself into knowing Him more and relying more on his grace and his faithfulness.

I'll be honest. Today I'm not sure how things are going to work out (I don't just mean Eleanor's voice, I mean so many other things that are on my mind and on my heart). The voice is really the least of those.

But I am thankful that He knows, and that He will be there, I just need to trust Him with all that weighs on me.

And for that I am thankful.

Today has to be a better day

Even if it kills us. Which it might. I woke up this morning to the sound of a 4 year old and an 8 year old having a screaming match. Which, in case you have never woken up to, is not the most pleasant way to wake up. In fact, I can think of many other ways to wake up which would be preferable.

But what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger (or at least I've heard that--I'm still on the fence about whether I should believe that or not).

And yesterday didn't kill us. And this morning, waking up to that awful cacophony of screaming and accusation (which begun over who would pour their cereal first, as it turns out) gave me the resolve to calmly walk downstairs and investigate. I was calm!!

I am so proud of myself. I know that is really terrible, most parents probably keep their cool daily and think  nothing of it, but after yesterday, it's quite an accomplishment.

so today proves to be better, already.

And my 10 week plan is (mostly) coming along. I haven't completed Week 2 yet, but I have through Sunday night and I have definitely made progress. I will make more progress today, no doubt. Because I'll be home alone for at least the afternoon. Which brings me to Another Reason Why Today Will Be a Better Day.

The kids are going to my parents house for several hours to spend time with them since they are off school. No, I'm not jumping up and down rejoicing (although after yesterday, perhaps I should), but I am excited to have some more time to myself to work on all those little mini-projects on Week 2 of my plan.

And while I still have a lot left on my plan at the end of Week 2, I hope to make major progress by the end of the day today, and certainly by the end of the weekend.
But I do know this. After yesterday, I may not have been like Paul and Silas, singing in the prison. In fact,
I'm pretty sure I wasn't reacting anywhere close to the way I should have, but today I will rejoice no matter what in my circumstance.

Um........not what I had in mind

I've had no less than 3 people in the last few weeks tell me something along the lines of " I don't know how you do it" or "You do such a good job with your family" or some other such nonsense (in my mind anyway).

If only they knew. The house, the disorganized mind, the kids arguing and me, well, losing my patience so frequently. The marvel of how I do it pales in comparison to the marvel of why they think I do it so well.

Today was not my finest moment as a mother. The kids are home on fall break today and tomorrow and by 11 a.m., we had more than our share of arguing (them), empty threats (me), yelling (all of us), and at one point, I'm embarrassed to admit, I crawled into bed and literally covered my head with the duvet. I admittedly have wished to crawl into bed and cover my head on more than one occasion, but today is the first day I can remember I've actually done it.

and while I was in the middle of tossing the decorative pillows on the floor and pulling back the cover, virtually un-making the bed, I couldn't help but think, I'm undoing the one thing that I have accomplished today.

Henry's violin teacher called while I was under the covers and I had to fake-cheerfully talk to her. I hate when someone calls while things are not going so swimmingly and I have to fake-cheerfully talk to people on the phone. I'm sure my kids wonder who has taken over my body when I suddenly am the happiest mom on the planet. And I'm sure they are disappointed when I'm off the phone and turn back into mean mom again.

As all of this was transpiring, it occurred to me, I'm so glad I don't homeschool my kids.

Because this, indeed, would be the picture, on many days. Me cajoling/bribing/threatening the kids into doing their schoolwork, them resisting, them arguing, me getting frustrated, and then, at my wit's end, crawling back into bed.

Which brings me to my next point. The people who are disillusioned enough to somehow think I have my act together. One of them homeschools her three children, and has a career, to boot. And she told me of all people, "I don't know how you do it." Meaning that my kids are super-busy and involved with all sorts of extra-curricular activities. I told her, "I don't know how you homeschool!"

and it's true. I don't. Kudos to those of you who do it. I wish I had the fortitude. I have the degree, just not the patience, and certainly not the overall mental werewithall.

The day got a little better in the afternoon. Better: as in none of the children hurt each other and I don't think I yelled anymore. Better: as in I didn't spend any time in bed. I remade the bed shortly after my 10 minute stint under the covers--and it stayed made for the remainder of the afternoon.

So, better in my book. And my goal of having the kids clean up their rooms, well it didn't get completed, but progress was made. And we all know progress is better than no progress...or yelling.

and tonight, the Mailman (my hero) just finished up carving the pumpkins with the kids.It was apparently suggested that I help carve the pumpkins with the kids instead of him, since our schedule was tight, and that was a no-go. The kids don't expect Mom to do it, they expect Dad. And so it was.

The pumpkins just got ceremonially lit, and were blown out, and kids are heading to bed.

It wasn't exactly what I had hoped for but it's almost over. Another day, that I'm blessed by all I have. And even in my frustration, I'm blessed.

It's not wrong, is it?

To want things to be better? 

I know it will never be perfect..and I do believe that progress is better than perfection (well, who am I kidding, I wouldn't mind a little perfection now and then)...and I know I need to learn to be okay with how things are, whether they are perf... orderly or not.  And I'm going to try to keep my perfectionist self from rearing its ugly head because after all, that is what got me in this mess in the first place 

And I did say I was tweaking it a bit. I'm sure I'll remember other things along the way. But for now, I just need some sense of order in my house and a little peace in my life...and that's not bad, right?

And another lesson while we're on the subject of peace...I know that only God can give me real peace and I am thankful for the peace I have in Him.

But I also know God wants us to be people of excellence, and I know God is not a God of chaos and disorder. And I have to believe he wants us to feel okay with how things are and not always be scrambling around running late, losing things, and getting frustrated with ourselves. No, that was never the plan.

I would be lying if I said that deep down, I was okay with looking at my list of weekly things to accomplish and not having it all crossed off now that it's Sunday night. But what can you do except move forward tomorrow?

I do have a lot of work in store for myself. And I'm pretty sure I'll fall down along the way. But I have to start somewhere.

What really matters

Again. I've had a lot of bad days lately. I've had lots of ups and downs, even as of yesterday. Lots of days where I couldn't be motivated to do much of anything, and where I let pressures of life and even more so, my negative emotions, get in the way of my well being. I forgot I was supposed to be thankful and rejoice at all times. It's easy to forget if you don't make it a point every day to remember.

I know I will never be perfect but I've always tried. And I think I've always thought, somewhere in my head, that if everything were---if the house was decorated just right--and I lost the right amount of weight---and the hair looked good--and the kids got along---and the money was in the bank---well, *then* I would be happy.

But you know what, I am working on changing it, because I know that is not who God wants me to be. I know I am not to be swayed by my emotions. Emotions can't be trusted. I let the smallest thing change my mood, or alter my attitude...or throw me into a pit of depression. Really. I'm not exaggerating. The time before this last time, it was that the Mailman bought me a kitchen appliance at a garage sale. I thought he spent too much, I thought it was overkill for what I needed or wanted, I thought it took up too much on the kitchen counter. and somehow....as ridiculous as it sounds...I let that make me angry, then I let it get me down, and then things just sort of spiraled downward from there. For about 4 days, I felt depressed. It wasn't just the kitchen appliance, believe me, but I honestly think that minor annoyance was the catalyst. And I know that's just awful. But once that feeling crept in, it wouldn't go away and it just festered.

So anyway, today I decided to stop it. I went running. And trust me, I'm not really a runner. I just started several weeks ago, a little at a time. But sometimes it gives me solace and it gives me quiet and it gives me time. Time where I'm not tempted to check facebook, or e-mail, or fold laundry, or run the vacuum. Just time.

and I thought and I prayed to God to give me direction. I feel a little lost right now--not sure what career path is in store for me, if any, now that the kids are getting older. And you know, I can't tell you that I heard a voice from heaven, or I got a clear answer, or anything...regarding any of that.

but what I did get was a sense of peace. An understanding, after all this struggle, that my hope is in God. It's in what Jesus did on the cross. It's not in what job I might take, or how clean the house is, or what part the kids get in the play, or how much money we have. It's simply in that Jesus died on the cross.

He is our hope, He is our peace, and our joy.

and I am so thankful for that.

Have I mentioned I hate rain?

I can so relate to Karen Carpenter. Well, part of it anyway.

The rainy days and Mondays (and especially when packaged together) really do get me down part.

Sunshine really makes things better, rain, well...it sort of does the opposite.

So my fresh start day, my onward and upward day, isn't really working out too well. Perhaps tomorrow there will be sunshine. Because I could really use it right about now.

So really

I am going to try this again. The quest for being okay with everything. I had a good week, things were good. Good weekend, made a decent chunk of change, and (possibly), more importantly, my house lost some weight in my garage sale this weekend. The baby of the family turned *4* yesterday. Should have been a good weekend.

But somewhere along the line, as it often does, this dark cloud formed. I can't even explain where it comes from, and I don't really want to go into it, but it sort of followed me yesterday evening, into this morning, into this afternoon, and then, as usual, the Sunday afternoon blahs crept in, which only magnified the dark cloud.

Which I still can't explain.

Part of it is this thing, this inadequacy, I can't really put my finger on. The baby needs her fourth birthday party, and I don't feel prepared to give it to her here. At our house.

But I need to get things where I feel okay about them. I know things will never be perfect, we will never have everything exactly the way we want them (or...who am I kidding...the way I want them). And the Mailman is so patient with me, he is really trying. Even when I don't want him to.

But I'm going to try. I'm going to go to bed tonight, then wake up tomorrow. And try again.

The Truth

I have a confession:

 I'm a mess. Honestly, I should count my lucky stars that my husband truly loves me, because if he didn't, he probably would've been out the door long long ago. Or so I tell him. 

I'm a really bad housekeeper. What's worse, is I'm an inconsistent housekeeper.  I may have a 3 month stint of keeping the house pretty clean, dishes done every day, laundry folded and put away.........and then bam, before you know it, I hit a slump. And it's not just keeping the house clean, it's our whole lifestyle. 

One week I have the menu posted for the week on Sunday night, grocery shopping done and put away Monday morning by 9 a.m, the next week, he can call me on the way home from work at almost 7 p.m. and ask what's for supper and I have no clue. And we run out of bread by Tuesday noon and just get by until he offers to stop at the store on the way home later in the week. It's not good.

My mom tries to tell me that everybody is like this, and they just put on a good front, but I don't buy it. If so, this world is in a pretty sorry state. Either that, she says, or if they do have clean houses and peaceful frames of mind, then their lives just aren't as busy as mine. She's an enabler, I tell you.

I can usually get the house cleaned up but keeping it that way is another story. Maintenance and I are not good friends. And this time it's gotten out of hand, in my opinion anyway.

But today I'm bound and determined. The hubby is at work, so it's just me and the kids here; I've threatened bribed  kindly asked my middle kids to play with Bea (who is 2 and makes me certain we're not having more kids), because in general, she tears up while I pick up and I ended up wanting to cry. An aside to this problem is that the middle kids have been arguing an awful lot--just this week since school started, after school every day, they've been at each other, they just can't get along. And my oldest, Paige, is busy with homework, and lots of it--that's the tragedy of 5th grade. So she will be no help.

Normally my dent is just doing the dishes, laundry, regular stuff--but I never really make a noticeable difference. Next time someone wears clothes or we have a meal, we're back at square one.

But not today, today will be different. I hear the 3 kids playing dress up and singing the Batman theme (you know, "Batman...dadadadadadada....Batman"), all seems to be well, temporarily anyway. I hope and pray. 

So, with that...........I'm off.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.