Saturday

For the first time in I-don't-know-how-long, we had a mostly free day. To be fair, not totally free but we were finished with what we had to do by 9:30 a.m.

Out the door by 8 a.m., home by 9:45, and then just the day to do what we wished. The mailman was doing his mail thing and Paige was at this event. And the 3 younger kids and I stayed in.

i did yoga meltdown dvd (have I mentioned that it IS TOUGH! today made the 2nd time and IT WAS TOUGH!)

kids played with waffle blocks and little tiny people and lightsabers (and there were injuries, which resulted in all 3 kids sitting on the blue couch watching me do the yoga dvd)

middle kids taught Bea her letters ("when 2 vowels go walking, the first one does the talking" Henry told Bea as he attempted to teach her how to read the word "eat")

all 3 younger kids built a huge Webkinz jungle gem with these fun building straws

i made pizza dough from scratch again. one to bake for supper, and one to freeze (it is rising as we speak)

i cleaned. a lot. and trust me the house needed it. bad.

and the kids cleaned, against their wills, really, but still, they cleaned.

and now I feel I can breathe again in this house. It had gotten so cluttered and so overwhelming. and our days had been so busy, it was just nice to stay home and have the day to ourselves.

Tomorrow will be another busy day with church, a birthday party, JBQ, and preparations for the week. But for once, we had just a day.

and it was so nice!

And the case of the missing motivation...

Today was probably the first warm, consistently sunny day we've had in, oh, I don't know how long. It was the sort of day that makes you want to go outside and run, if your knees don't hurt too much.

Today, Bea went to a playdate, but had to come early because the friend she was intending to play with was sick...so she played with the friend's grandma instead.

Today, El was diagnosed with ringworm on the back of her leg. And all 4 kids and I got a good giggle waiting on the doctor to come in because one of the other kids remarked that the spot looked like a piece of pepperoni. And of course, giggling and overall silliness ensued. To the point that the doctor couldn't help but laugh when Henry told him that we thought it looked like pepperoni.

Today I lost my motivation too. I always think, if the sun would only shine, THEN I would be motivated again. But somehow, somewhere along the line...even with the sun shining today...I lost it. Just sort of gave up. But the good thing is, instead of doing what I needed to be doing, I hung out on the back patio while the 2 younger kids played on the treehouse for the first time this season. I witnessed the inaugural treehouse meeting of 2012, if you will.

Today I realized for real that there is a good chance Bea won't be ready for kindergarten in the fall. She apparently can write her first name, but 99.9% of the time, chooses to just write "B". So, either lack of readiness or unwillingness...in any case, she'll likely not be ready.

Today I read lots of other people's blogs and got that awful, dreaded feeling I get sometimes when I am aware of my inadequacies. My house is not organized like it should be, I don't have one surface in my house covered with chalkboard paint, and I have never made a decent banner out of fabric.and I've never made cake pops. And I don't photograph newborns for a living. Sigh, blog envy. 

And today I realized I can't do it all. Not all at once. I have all these voices in my head...you know what I mean, right?

All of these things I should be
doing
thinking about
praying about
cleaning
creating
teaching
baking
cooking
crafting
enjoying

Enjoying? I know I will someday when it's all perfect. But why not now, when it's not perfect?

I'm sure I'm not the first, or only, person to feel that way. So here goes.

off to heat up cans of soup for supper, clear the junk off the kitchen table, and serve the warmed up soup to my children with their messy hair and mismatched socks (because, yeah, laundry is probably behind).

I've got to be okay with that.

Today was the last day of break

Last day to have 4 kids home. All together: playing, fighting, running, teasing, singing, screaming, creating.

Playing school, Star Wars, house, orphans (yes, they like to pretend their parents are dead...what does that say about me?), making up plays, huddling together to watch movies, accidentally injuring, then retaliating, then forgiving. And so on.

And the Mailman goes back to work tomorrow too. Sigh.

I love having them all home. I know some parents can't wait to send their kids back to school after a two week Christmas break. But I love having the house filled with all the sounds of having 4 kids. Even when they are quiet, I know they are here. and he has been here to help. Which has made it all better.

He doesn't want to go back to work tomorrow either. And the girls would rather have more time at home. Henry, though, loves first grade and can't wait to get back to his teacher, his desk, his friends, recess, whatever it is that 6 year olds love.

And it's coming whether we like it or not. The house is undecorated for Christmas, the presents are unwrapped and integrated into the rest of the toys in their rooms, lunches are packed, it's all ready to go.

and it will just be me and Bea again tomorrow.  I'm sure she'll want to watch her new Tinkerbell movie,

and I'll be made and offered many plates of play food, and many scribbled drawings, made with love by a special 4 year old.

So good bye, break, and hello reality.

Goodbye 2011

I haven't been blogging much lately. Been busy with Christmas and stress and life and all that. My goal in 2012 (well one of them but who am I kidding? I have the same handful of goals every year) is to blog regularly. Every day record something. Even just a few snippets of our day, maybe progress, maybe not. But something to remember later.

So on that note, on the last day of 2011, we:

slept in. A lot. All 4 kids were up til almost midnight last night watching Episode 4 of Start Wars and were all wiped out. So we slept in. We're talking 10:30 plus. Amazingly wonderful.

went to a friend's birthday party (left all 4 kids there while they played party games and had cake), then the Mailman and I

went shopping. Bought new running shoes, and a few new clothing items--that are not 100% black or gray or brown. I'm trying to branch out.

had dinner at my mother in laws. Late Christmas. Ham and meatloaf. With ice cream cake for my sister in law's birthday.

bought a TV Guardian. We have wanted one for a long time but didn't want to pay big bucks for one. Finally found one for $15 on Craigslist, an hour from our house but saved a bundle of money. But a 2 hour drive with 4 squirrely kids on New Year's Eve? not so much fun.

took the kids to see a Walkway of Lights. Last day of the year, last day for the lights display to be open. It was fun and exciting and cold. and pretty much dead. Apparently a Christmas lights display at 10 p.m. on a cold, rainy New Year's Eve is not considered a hotspot.

came home, made popcorn and watched old home videos for a bit, snuggled up on the couch with all 4 kids in their footie pajamas.

got in a bit of an argument with the Mailman right before midnight. So that wasn't a highlight of the day but what can you do?

watched the ball drop while the kids blew their little horn thingamabobs and hugged each other.

Perfect. How could 2012 get any better than this?

Thankful Day 3

I feel broken today. I just feel so swallowed up in overwhelming emotion and defeat, I feel so physically worn out, I'm just spent.

I know...bring on the drama. (oh, the humanity!)...........

This is not the post I wanted to write today. I thought I was going to wake up this morning with a song in my heart and a spring in my step. I thought I would have yet another do-over today. Because I need it after yesterday.

But instead I woke up so tired, and so sluggish, with a slightly-sick child (who just happens to be losing her voice on the eve of a theater performance of Cinderella...in which she is Drizella, the nasty stepsister), and a slightly-sick feeling in my heart.

and I can't explain it.

We are all worn out here. We are overscheduled, overwhelmed, overtired, overburdened with responsibility, indecision, and a general feeling of..ugh.

And I know we all (meaning the general population of women, men, children and families) have these same feelings. I know my own family of 6 is not the only one who feels this way. Believe me, I know.

But some days it just hits me more than others. And lately, it's been hitting me a lot.

So this morning, as I made Eleanor a concoction of honey, lemon juice, and warm water, as I hurriedly wrote a note to her teacher explaining that Eleanor's voice is about shot........I worried.

When I drug myself into the van to take my kids to school, wearing my oh-so-fashionable snowman pajama pants, fuzzy socks, crocs (I know, I'm so 2009), and fuzzy hoody, with non-travel coffee cup in hand (and yes, I spilled in my hurry to get out the front door), I really worried. I really felt it.

I told Eleanor I was worried about her voice. I was worried she wouldn't be able to perform at her dress rehearsal tonight (where I would be video taping, as would many other parents), I told her even more so, I was worried she wouldn't be able to perform tomorrow night at opening night.

And it was not just her voice that had me worried. I know her losing her voice is small potatoes to some people. I have children with no major health problems, we have just/almost enough money each month. Our circumstances are not nearly as tragic as other people's.

But sometimes it is just all of the above. It just hits you all at once. Not just worry, but anxiety and stress.

And on the way home, I pondered all of this in the silence of the van. Halfway home, I turned on my favorite radio station, and heard an ad for the Moody Bible Institute Bible verse of the week.

Philippians 4:6
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

And then I realized, yet again (you would think I would get it by now): God really cares for us. He knows how things are going to turn out. He knows all the big and little things that worry us. He knows!

Why should I worry when I know God is taking care of it all? Because I'm human. I am still learning to immerse myself in God's word, to not be swayed by my emotions, to not ride the rollercoaster that I have ridden for so long in m;y life. I'm still working on me.

and God is too. Little by little, changing me and shaping me

Just like with my house, and my health and my family, I will never be perfect. The closer I get to God, the more I see how imperfect I am. But rather than let that bother me, I need to learn more to just throw myself into knowing Him more and relying more on his grace and his faithfulness.

I'll be honest. Today I'm not sure how things are going to work out (I don't just mean Eleanor's voice, I mean so many other things that are on my mind and on my heart). The voice is really the least of those.

But I am thankful that He knows, and that He will be there, I just need to trust Him with all that weighs on me.

And for that I am thankful.

Thankul, Day 2

Not just the children but the laughter they share. I don't remember what was so funny but something was said while we were trying to get them to smile for our annual Halloween photo, something that struck them all funny at once. And it  just makes me smile every time I look at this photo.

They are not just sweet, smart, and healthy, but even though they have plenty of moments that are not so nice...they love each other and really enjoy each other's company.

And for that I am thankful.

Thankful

November gets neglected a lot on the whole. When it begins, our Jack O Lanterns are still smiling and lit, and candy bags are dripping full. By the end of it, we've stuffed ourselves over Thanksgiving and are caught up in a flurry of Christmas planning and activity. It starts with piles of leaves still and ends (sometimes) with piles of snow. And sometimes in between we forget the Main Event of the month. (and I don't mean Black Friday). Perhaps we have the big meal and pore over the ads, but I know personally, I rarely stop and think to be thankful.

It's a tragedy, really. And I know this is no new concept but I am going to stop. Everything. And take time to be thankful. I'm going to stop the to do list and the self-improvement scheme and stop long enough each day of this month to think about what is more important than my plan to make life more livable. And more organized and all that jazz.

Because I really am thankful, deep down, for so much. I'm sure I don't do the best job of expressing that, but I really truly am.

So, today, November 1,  I am thankful for

These Five People (the husband and children of not so Supermom )

 
These people mean the world to me. (never mind the grumpy, Strangers with Candy look on the little one's face, she does not usually cooperate for photos... ;-)

From the husband who tells me I'm beautiful daily (and I do mean daily, even though I roll my eyes daily, because I not feel beautiful) to the kids who wrap their little arms around me and tell me they love me, and tell me I'm a good mommy, and tell me how pretty I am (again, I try to resist the eye rolling but I don't feel it at all). And they seem to quickly forget all the times I get impatient and yell (yes, yes, I do), or forget to sign the permission slips, or burn dinner.

They are a wonderful group of people I get to live life with (and at this point, my  8 year old would likely tell me I can't end a sentence with a preposition...she has learned a lot in 3rd grade so far!)

And not just because of the compliments, because one could chalk all that up to flattery, if one felt like it, and it would be easy to wonder what they are looking to get by complimenting me...though they never ask. But just because. I am blessed to have them.

The Mailman just told me this morning (well he texted me this but I'm sure it was sincere).........that God loves me so much and that God wants me to be at peace. He lives daily with my personal turmoil, he is on the receiving end of most of my stress, and as much as he tries to make things better for me, and make me feel like a better mom/better wife/better housekeeper/better person...he knows he's just another person, and can't do it all.

So he took the time and effort to remind me that it's not just him on my side...God is on my side.

And for that, I am so thankful.

Because I must...

Become a morning person...

Lose those last few pounds...

Build up that emergency fund a bit...

Let go of my anxiety and worry and tendency to binge on toast and butter and jelly when I'm stressed...

Get those loose ends tied up...

Keep the house cleaned up for more than 24 hours...

Be prepared for whatever lies ahead (because God knows, even if I don't have a clue)...

Get organized, once and for all, and teach my children how to be organized...

Get organized, so I'm not late, so my kids aren't perpetually unprepared for life...like this morning.

To back up a bit, 8:30 a.m. soccer games in late October are just cruel. At least in Indiana they are. We crunched through the first frost of the year on our way to the field, the kids were bundled up and could barely move. You couldn't tell who was on what team, because all you could see were the hats and gloves and puffy winter coats. Sure, there were a few freezing children who wore their team shirts tightly stretched over their hoodies, but the majority of the players were team-less, or at least appeared that way.

But even before that, there was the mayhem at home this morning at 7:45--when Henry couldn't find his team shirt (not that it ultimately mattered---we never did find it); he found his shin guards but one of the plastic guards were missing out of the sock part. His reply, "it must have fallen out". Now if you're a soccer mom at all, you know those plastic guards don't just "fall" out of the socks, you sort of have to work and stress just to remove those suckers to wash them--so I'm not quite sure what happened.

I did find it, finally, but not without a lot of frustration and lost time. And yes, Beatrice was wearing a two sizes too big Buzz Lightyear sweatshirt because I couldn't find a sweatshirt to fit her. And I wore my 11 year old's slightly snug gloves because I couldn't find my own.

But I digress...my point was, apparently, organization is not my strong suit.

But it has been, in the past, and I feel it could be again, with a little work.

So here's the deal: I can't go on like this. 

As life gets busier and busier, it gets more difficult to keep all the plates spinning at once. So in order to do that, I am committing to getting all my ducks in a row--then it's just a matter of maintenance. Maintenance is easy, right?  and I figure, instead of waiting til 2012 to make new resolutions that will probably not hold up--I want to put myself in a situation where by the end of 2011, I'm there. And I have sort of already started. And already I have made some progress.

(You just wouldn't know it to walk in my house right now. ;-) )

So this is where I am at the moment. I'm holding myself accountable--and will post back tomorrow night.

Because I must make a difference.

But in the process, I need to be okay with it all, even the imperfect. That's a big lesson that I'm sure will extend beyond the 11 week plan.

Randomness

Random Item #1
I really want to blog everyday. I really do. I think about blogging a lot. I have a lot of partially finished posts that never get posted, because I get halfway through and I think, hmmmmm...that isn't really blog-worthy. And I read a lot of blogs and some of those blog moms are so gosh darn interesting! And wonderfully crafty and homeschool-y and funny and bake-y (I know, I'm making up words here, just go with it.)

But I know, really, this is for me to remember. It's really so I don't forget the little things. And the big things. And the bad and good things and funny and sweet things. So if it's something I want to remember, that makes it blog-worthy. And I'm in a repainting mode. And I want a nice coastal-surfy looking house, right here in the middle of Indiana. (Yeah, just never mind that part.)


Random Item #2 
Today, honestly I had sort of cranky day.

The kids squabbled a lot. They squabbled over school supplies (Eleanor got the big box of crayons with the sharpener in the back and apparently Henry had crayon envy, since he had the forty cent Walmart 24 pack). Injustice? Yes, probably. But Eleanor asked for the big pack and he did not. I told him next time we go we'll get him the big pack too. It just doesn't seem worth it to not get the big pack if that's all it takes for peace.

They squabbled while playing school. Henry decided he wanted to be a student who had just moved in from another town. Which would be fine, except that apparently Eleanor had already decided she was going to be a student who had just moved in from another town, and he was just copying.

They squabbled during their practice for SchoolHouse Rock Live (long story, but they are often involved in community theater and at home, they like to recreate productions they have performed in, only with a 3 or 4 person) cast. Eleanor is the director, and Henry didn't feel like practicing, or dancing right, or whatever.

And Henry sprayed a mostly empty can of spray paint in his eye, screaming repeatedly and exclaiming, "you said it was empty!!" Flushed with water 15 minutes, call to doctor, and all is well.

Notice a theme here? the middle kids are the ones causing all the trouble.

Then there was the issue with the baby bunnies and the dog.....maybe a story for another day. ;-)

But tonight?...........


Random Item #3
The 4 of them are having their first camp out in the backyard. At least right now they are out there. They started out swimmingly, getting along and playing Apples to Apples Jr. by flashlight. Then there were some screams, and another run in with the bunny and the dog. Then some arguing about I don't even know what. I looked out the back window to the tent (which is almost pitch black) and Henry said "Paige did this to me". Like I know what this is.

It's a little chilly out there tonight. And then, of course, there are the mosquitoes. And a possible chance of rain. So we'll see how long it lasts. But for now, they're camping out.



Random Item #4
El to Bea: I can run faster than you.

Bea to El: I can run faster than you. We can run faster than each other. That's why we're best friends.

and then they gave each other a big hug.

I love that kind of random stuff.