Limbo

I dislike living in a state of limbo. I am a planner, I like to know what's happening, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.

But lately, so much on the horizon, so much just hanging out there with no resolution in sight, so much going on since the last time I posted. Looking back it all seems really trivial, the disappointment that I felt in my last post. I think I was more heartbroken than my child about the injustice that was done to my sweet little boy.

It seems inconsequential, when, right now the Mailman's job is on the line, and the very best-case scenario there is, results in a 27% paycut for him. So, all in all, not good.

Even with me working (I am working now, yes, one reason I am not blogging) things are tight. And we are trying to decide,

do the girls need to be on the gymnastics team?
no, you do not need a $47.94 new swim team swimsuit, a used, non-matching one will do
dinner out is not an option

and we are carefully adding up our grocery bill as we walk through the grocery store, putting things back that go over the budget.

and I know they will get worse--and there is not much I can do. but I have to remember, that God is good. Always. In everything. In every situation, even when it seems hopeless, it's not. And I'm believing that I will look back on this day of job-searching, number-crunching, and worrying (even though I know I'm not supposed to, because I know God's got this)--and I will wonder why I worried. This will seem inconsequential.

God has provided
cash from an anonymous donor when no one knew we needed it
hand me downs from people we barely knew (who just felt led to give them to us)
food from parents, and from friends who bought extra on sale
doors opening just when we begin to think they are locked

So I know God's got this as well.

Matthew 6:33-34

The Message (MSG)

^30-33 “If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
³⁴ “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes

Disappointment

Here's a secret...I don't handle disappointment very well. Especially when it relates to my children.

It tends to throw me into a funk. It makes me want to quit everything. I tend to gain weight, waste money, and let my house go...when something big hits me. Or something little and trivial, really, if it's something that means a lot to one or more of my kids.

And that's what has happened. I don't feel like going into details, but why I can't just pick myself back up and move on? I don't know. And the kids may handle it better than me, but in my heart I know (or believe anyway), that their hearts are broken and it just kills me.

I know that I should deal with it better, to model for my children how life's not fair--and that's okay. I know we could have worse problems. I know, for the most part, things are going well. But it's one little (big) thing that is a sticking point, that just gets me down. And it's just one kid this time--just the boy. My little guy. My little 6 year old, curly headed, funny, smart sweetheart. It's heartbreaking for him, and I am having a hard time letting it go.

I am praying that God will give me a sense of peace about this thing. So I can move on, and not let a dark cloud hover over the summer. But I feel like it won't get better, and I really have to struggle to not be bitter about it. And not obsess about it. So I'm praying for peace in this disappointment.

School's..........out, for summer...

And it's 61 degrees. And rainy. Fab.

Here, in Indiana, we had 85 degree days in March, and over Memorial Day weekend, it reached into the mid-nineties. But now that it's June, and school's out, and all the kids want to swim...it's raining.

So we will march on, making our summer list, awaiting nicer, warmer, sunnier weather. Maybe we'll stay in and clean house. Oh, the kids would love that. Haha. Mean mom!

Henry's baseball game may get rained out tonight, and the first swim team practice of the summer may get cancelled due to cold--but our house will sparkle! What a fun mom I am.

(snicker.)

So here it is. And you can tell it's the last day of school, too.

There are piles...and I'm not exaggerating...PILES of papers, art projects, worn out folders, broken down crayons, and dried up highlighters---littering our living room floor. The place where the kids come in the door and plop it all down. It's summer again. :-)

June 1 Already

SO I've been remiss. again. in blogging. and here it is June.

The kids have just 2 more days of school--Monday and Tuesday--til they are out til mid-August. I love summer break. at least until they start arguing.

And then there will be a 7th grader, a 4th grader, a 2nd grader and a....? I don't know what yet--grader in the house. Bea has a September birthday, which is bad in Indiana, where the cut off is early.

But I want her to start kindergarten this fall, anyway, despite her not turning 5 til mid-September. that would be okay, right? she wouldn't be scarred for life, would she? she wants to go to the big kids' school, she'll be fine, I'm sure.

Hopefully. So we'll see how the summer goes.

Today she read her first "Bob" book. Mostly read it, with a little help from me. She found it hysterical when Mat sat on Sam. And Sam sat on Mat. We'll keep working on it and see how the summer goes.

I know I'm not the only one who thinks, this will be the best summer ever!, every summer. because I do. I know, cheesy. but I hold out hope, every year. and it isn't usually, or maybe it is. but they go by so quickly.

This weekend I want to make our family's 2012 Summer List. It won't probably be as cute as some I've seen on pinterest, but it will be our summer list. And hopefully, just maybe, we'll get it all done. and before the first or second week of August, when I typically realize summer's almost over and scramble to get it all finished. :-)

So we'll see how it goes. I plan to blog more, for sure, not because it's on any list anywhere, but just because I want to. So we'll see how that goes too.

Happy June!

Saturday

For the first time in I-don't-know-how-long, we had a mostly free day. To be fair, not totally free but we were finished with what we had to do by 9:30 a.m.

Out the door by 8 a.m., home by 9:45, and then just the day to do what we wished. The mailman was doing his mail thing and Paige was at this event. And the 3 younger kids and I stayed in.

i did yoga meltdown dvd (have I mentioned that it IS TOUGH! today made the 2nd time and IT WAS TOUGH!)

kids played with waffle blocks and little tiny people and lightsabers (and there were injuries, which resulted in all 3 kids sitting on the blue couch watching me do the yoga dvd)

middle kids taught Bea her letters ("when 2 vowels go walking, the first one does the talking" Henry told Bea as he attempted to teach her how to read the word "eat")

all 3 younger kids built a huge Webkinz jungle gem with these fun building straws

i made pizza dough from scratch again. one to bake for supper, and one to freeze (it is rising as we speak)

i cleaned. a lot. and trust me the house needed it. bad.

and the kids cleaned, against their wills, really, but still, they cleaned.

and now I feel I can breathe again in this house. It had gotten so cluttered and so overwhelming. and our days had been so busy, it was just nice to stay home and have the day to ourselves.

Tomorrow will be another busy day with church, a birthday party, JBQ, and preparations for the week. But for once, we had just a day.

and it was so nice!

And the case of the missing motivation...

Today was probably the first warm, consistently sunny day we've had in, oh, I don't know how long. It was the sort of day that makes you want to go outside and run, if your knees don't hurt too much.

Today, Bea went to a playdate, but had to come early because the friend she was intending to play with was sick...so she played with the friend's grandma instead.

Today, El was diagnosed with ringworm on the back of her leg. And all 4 kids and I got a good giggle waiting on the doctor to come in because one of the other kids remarked that the spot looked like a piece of pepperoni. And of course, giggling and overall silliness ensued. To the point that the doctor couldn't help but laugh when Henry told him that we thought it looked like pepperoni.

Today I lost my motivation too. I always think, if the sun would only shine, THEN I would be motivated again. But somehow, somewhere along the line...even with the sun shining today...I lost it. Just sort of gave up. But the good thing is, instead of doing what I needed to be doing, I hung out on the back patio while the 2 younger kids played on the treehouse for the first time this season. I witnessed the inaugural treehouse meeting of 2012, if you will.

Today I realized for real that there is a good chance Bea won't be ready for kindergarten in the fall. She apparently can write her first name, but 99.9% of the time, chooses to just write "B". So, either lack of readiness or unwillingness...in any case, she'll likely not be ready.

Today I read lots of other people's blogs and got that awful, dreaded feeling I get sometimes when I am aware of my inadequacies. My house is not organized like it should be, I don't have one surface in my house covered with chalkboard paint, and I have never made a decent banner out of fabric.and I've never made cake pops. And I don't photograph newborns for a living. Sigh, blog envy. 

And today I realized I can't do it all. Not all at once. I have all these voices in my head...you know what I mean, right?

All of these things I should be
doing
thinking about
praying about
cleaning
creating
teaching
baking
cooking
crafting
enjoying

Enjoying? I know I will someday when it's all perfect. But why not now, when it's not perfect?

I'm sure I'm not the first, or only, person to feel that way. So here goes.

off to heat up cans of soup for supper, clear the junk off the kitchen table, and serve the warmed up soup to my children with their messy hair and mismatched socks (because, yeah, laundry is probably behind).

I've got to be okay with that.

In which she realizes she has had it all wrong...

So, I was at Target this morning. And that, believe it or not, is a fairly rare occurrence. As much as I love it, I know better. We have been credit card/credit card debt free for at least a few years--and my distance from Target is one of the reasons we have managed to remain so.

...but that wasn't my point. sorry.... ;-)

Anyway, it occurred to me, while I was at Target this morning: kidless (three in school, and one in preschool) that most of the Wednesday morning regular clientele was made up of women with young children. Children being pushed in carts, children munching on popcorn eaten out of red bullseye print bags, children prancing down the aisles with their mothers, their pigtails flopping, full of life. And it was a regular thing. I get the feeling that some of these moms go shopping at Target with their toddlers and preschoolers regularly.

and I can't remember the last time I went shopping at Target, just a regular day, with my kids in tow. Not that shopping at Target is the stuff dreams are made of (not the children's dreams anyway...mine are a whole 'nother story). But it's just that since I've been a stay at home mom, which has been--let me think--over 7 years--really? Wow---I have never, ever made a habit of going shopping--or anywhere other than the grocery store--and then only because we had to. With the kids.

It's all too easy when your parents live 5 minutes from your house and are retired--to just drop off the kids whenever it's easier to go alone. Or just drop them off for the day so you can get stuff done at home. It is easier, right? And I know plenty of moms who would if they could, but their parents are working, or live too far away, or generally are just busy. So I guess it's a blessing to have close-by, ready, available and willing parents to watch the kiddies.

But also, sort of a curse. It's too easy. I haven't stepped up to the plate to be the stay at home that I should have been.  Especially these last 2 school years--it has just been me and Bea. The others all in school all day long. Why hasn't she become my little buddy? Why haven't I made her play dough from scratch? Why haven't we made a tradition of baking cookies every Tuesday, or visiting the library every Friday? or making crafts? or having tea parties? or meeting friends for playdates at the park to play and eat lunch?

I know it's too late to go back and fix it. And the truth is, I tried. She didn't like the library story time--it was too loud--and she would prefer to just stay home. And tea parties? Well I guess we sort of have them every time she brings me piles of play food when I'm at my computer and I pretend to eat them. ("yum, yum" I tell her, pretending to take a bite, and she smiles, knowing I "tried" it). And play dough? Well I don't know if there's a reason for why I didn't make homemade playdough. I seem to be the only mom on the blog block who hasn't.

The truth is, I feel inadequate. I feel like I haven't done a very good job. And to be fair, when I quit my teaching job when my now-8 year old was 18 months--I did so with the promise that I would still bring in my share fair of income by selling on ebay. Which I did. For many years. And still do, to some extent.

But as a result, I've always felt like that was what I needed to be doing.  Deal with the kids then get back to listing. I know that regular, non work at home moms don't do crafts and bake cookies and have tea parties and shop at Target all day long. But that's part of the package right? And I admittedly have felt guilty while being bored playing Dora Candyland on those many occasions I tried to be the good mom and play.

So why is it plaguing me today? I guess now that I am in the midst of looking for a job (the one I interviewed for didn't pan out, needless to say), and that Bea might go to kindergarten next year (still not sure though), I feel time is slipping through my fingers. I feel saddened and overwhelmed.

The everyday-ness of being an at-home mom, whether it's a strictly nonworking (for money I mean--please don't misread the phrase "nonworking"), an ebay selling mom, a crafty etsy mom, a blogging mom...or whatever--the everyday-ness of it all--I've let slip by.

I've stressed
about money
the house
ebay
the kids
losing weight
doing this better
doing that better

and now where am I?

Probably feeling a little sorry for myself, sadly, but still, sorry and saddened enough to hopefully do something about it. Still looking for a job, still working on the house, the weight loss, the all of the above. But determined to do something about it.

Overwhelmed

I don't know about the job yet--I'm still not sure what I'll say if it is offered to me. I considered working as a substitute teacher instead. Or doing nothing. And staying home and trying to get some things in order: house, kids, myself, take care of that laundry list of things I have been putting off forever.

I still thought maybe I could sub once or twice a week. And then Sunday night I had this awful dream. It started out as my son's birthday party, but none of the kids would listen to me. All I wanted to do was take a group picture--and none of them would be still and line up.

I kept saying, "okay, tall kids in the back, mediums in the middle, littles in the front" like they were lining up for a class picture or something. Only the kids were running around screaming. And I kept looking at the Mailman, and putting my fingers to my mouth as if I wanted him to whistle to get their attention. Because they clearly weren't listening to me.

Then somehow it morphed into a school situation, in which all the kids abruptly left the classroom, and left all of their papers on the floor, and on the desks, and on the tables and chairs. And suddenly it was the lunchroom--and everyone came in for lunch: hundreds of kids and teachers marched in. I was crawling around on the floor frantically picking up the kids' papers and coats they had left behind. And I felt awful, and inadequate. And I realized when I awoke that maybe substitute teaching wouldn't work out either.

So last night I had a nice talk with the Mailman and we determined that maybe I do just need some time to put things in order. Starting with just one thing at a time. Some days I try to tackle it all at once, and end up feeling unmotivated and frustrated.

So today I'm going to make a list of what is reasonable (and not what *I* think is reasonable, but what is really reasonable), and tackle what I can. Like today, maybe that means dishes. Getting things back in reasonable order then tackling one thing at a time.

Matthew 6:25-27: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

Job Interview

Yes, me. Job Interview.

It's been a while. But I had one today. And it didn't kill me. I walked away relatively unscathed. And calm. And I didn't feel nauseous the whole time.

Ten plus years ago (the last time I had a job interview...yikes!), I felt just horrible every time I had an interview. Nervous, shaking, miserable, sick to my stomach, pretty much the whole time.

So what has changed? I'm older--perhaps being in my thirties (and way too close to forty, even) helps? Perhaps having four kids--does having kids really give you nerves of steel? or do you just get so used to stress and chaos that in contrast, sitting in a calm room being peered at by five women seems like a day at a spa. Or a lunch out with old friends?

or maybe it's that I wasn't nervous about being perfect because going in, I wasn't 100% sure I even wanted the job. It's more hours than I want, ideally, slightly later in the afternoon than I would like--and honestly, do I really even want to go back to work after this long being home?

At any rate, I felt oddly relaxed, confident, funny even--got a few giggles and knowing smiles from women who were not intimidating. I didn't feel like a little kid who didn't know what she was doing, as I have in previous job interviews.

So whether or not I get it, I think I'm ready. If the interview went that well, surely the job couldn't be too bad. Right?

Today was the last day of break

Last day to have 4 kids home. All together: playing, fighting, running, teasing, singing, screaming, creating.

Playing school, Star Wars, house, orphans (yes, they like to pretend their parents are dead...what does that say about me?), making up plays, huddling together to watch movies, accidentally injuring, then retaliating, then forgiving. And so on.

And the Mailman goes back to work tomorrow too. Sigh.

I love having them all home. I know some parents can't wait to send their kids back to school after a two week Christmas break. But I love having the house filled with all the sounds of having 4 kids. Even when they are quiet, I know they are here. and he has been here to help. Which has made it all better.

He doesn't want to go back to work tomorrow either. And the girls would rather have more time at home. Henry, though, loves first grade and can't wait to get back to his teacher, his desk, his friends, recess, whatever it is that 6 year olds love.

And it's coming whether we like it or not. The house is undecorated for Christmas, the presents are unwrapped and integrated into the rest of the toys in their rooms, lunches are packed, it's all ready to go.

and it will just be me and Bea again tomorrow.  I'm sure she'll want to watch her new Tinkerbell movie,

and I'll be made and offered many plates of play food, and many scribbled drawings, made with love by a special 4 year old.

So good bye, break, and hello reality.

January 1

Today didn't really feel like a New Year's Day. With church in the morning and lunch at my parents' house, it just felt, odd. Like a regular Sunday really, not the typical lazing around all day New Year's.

But the Christmas decorations came down. Like any good New Year's Day. And though the kids were sad about it, especially the sight of the bare tree standing in the living room, it must be done. We did get it up early this year so I don't feel quite as bad as I might have other years.

and I am practicing trying to use my new camera. One of my goals for the New Year is to learn how to really use it. And use it!

I started my 365 Photo Project. With practice shots of the kids eating frosted mini wheats at supper. (yeah, we eat cold cereal every Sunday night for supper...so I don't win Mother of the Year award...)

and we got Bea's room re-organized and cleaned up. Which is quite a feat in itself.

So I guess it was a good enough day.

I feel like I should say more but it's late and I'm tired, so once again, Happy 2012.

Goodbye 2011

I haven't been blogging much lately. Been busy with Christmas and stress and life and all that. My goal in 2012 (well one of them but who am I kidding? I have the same handful of goals every year) is to blog regularly. Every day record something. Even just a few snippets of our day, maybe progress, maybe not. But something to remember later.

So on that note, on the last day of 2011, we:

slept in. A lot. All 4 kids were up til almost midnight last night watching Episode 4 of Start Wars and were all wiped out. So we slept in. We're talking 10:30 plus. Amazingly wonderful.

went to a friend's birthday party (left all 4 kids there while they played party games and had cake), then the Mailman and I

went shopping. Bought new running shoes, and a few new clothing items--that are not 100% black or gray or brown. I'm trying to branch out.

had dinner at my mother in laws. Late Christmas. Ham and meatloaf. With ice cream cake for my sister in law's birthday.

bought a TV Guardian. We have wanted one for a long time but didn't want to pay big bucks for one. Finally found one for $15 on Craigslist, an hour from our house but saved a bundle of money. But a 2 hour drive with 4 squirrely kids on New Year's Eve? not so much fun.

took the kids to see a Walkway of Lights. Last day of the year, last day for the lights display to be open. It was fun and exciting and cold. and pretty much dead. Apparently a Christmas lights display at 10 p.m. on a cold, rainy New Year's Eve is not considered a hotspot.

came home, made popcorn and watched old home videos for a bit, snuggled up on the couch with all 4 kids in their footie pajamas.

got in a bit of an argument with the Mailman right before midnight. So that wasn't a highlight of the day but what can you do?

watched the ball drop while the kids blew their little horn thingamabobs and hugged each other.

Perfect. How could 2012 get any better than this?

What a week...

I believe I posted last on Monday, the beginning of this week. I haven't posted any Thankful posts or any progress on my goals. Or anything, at all.

Since Monday, there was been much going on--and sadly, I don't mean in the way of progress on my 2012 goals.

Monday, approximately 9:30 p.m.:
there was much stomach aching and vomit at our house. #'s 1 and 3, the odd numbered kids, the curly heads, as we call them, both started in at approximately 9:30. Even though they are 11 and 6, one a girl, one a boy--they have a lot in common. Both do well at school with little effort, both have the same crazy sense of humor, both have sometimes wildly curly blonde hair. Poor Eleanor in the middle at age 8--has to really work to get good grades, but is wildly creative. Has super straight, brownish hair, instead of their curly blonde locks--and is usually concerned for characters in movies when her odd-numbered siblings are laughing uncontrollably. But that's a post for another day. ;-)

So I guess it should not have surprised me that these two, in tandem, became ill. Not to mention, they (and Eleanor) had just the day before, closed a play they were in, with 40-some odd other kids, more than likely carrying around 40-some odd sets of germs and who knows what bugs.

So anyway....these two began on what would prove to be a nearly week long (or longer, possibly, but let's hope not), vomit fest. Up and down with them all night, holding buckets under them, and changing blankets, bringing them tiny sips of water. That's being a mom, right?


Tuesday, approximately 8:30 a.m.


There is something oddly peaceful about having recuperating children at home. They were not vomiting Tuesday, but were both lounging, weak, in and out of sleep on the couch, requesting sips of water and occasionally, another movie in the dvd player. On days like these, there was no refereeing to deal with, no arguing, no requests for snacks repeatedly (yes, I have a 6 year old boy who constantly wants to eat), not even any wanting to get on the computer and play games. No fever and no vomiting since the wee hours.

Just peaceful recuperation.

Wednesday, approximately 7 p.m.

Or as we have affectionately dubbed it, Round 2.

The Mailman and I coordinate the Junior Bible Quiz program at our church--our second meet of the season was yesterday, and we had a practice Wednesday evening. Right about the time to start, Eleanor began to complain that her stomach and throat hurt (which, at the time, I thought sounded odd--stomach and throat?) I told her to rest a minute, then to practice when she felt up to it. I went about my business, up to help a different group of kids I was helping coach.

5 or 10 minutes into practice, one of the kids' helpers came in and told me Eleanor was vomiting in the restroom.

Yup, I should have known. I don't know why I thought she could escape it. Without going into the gory details, another long night of vomiting awaited us.

Which was punctuated by

Thursday, approximately 2 a.m.

I woke up knowing exactly what Eleanor meant when she said her stomach and throat hurt. First hand. Needless to say, between me and her, it was another loooooooong night.

Thursday, all day

Another day of peaceful recuperation, although not so much when I'm one of the victims.Eleanor, Bea (who was not sick but willing), and I lounged on the couch most of the day, in and out of sleep, watching several movies. It hung on longer with me than it seemed to with the others.

I did not feel fabulous the next day, but I was not really sick. I will say, though, having purged for several hours, was really a good jumpstart for getting back to losing weight. Cha-ching.

I think Friday was for the most part, uneventful.


Saturday, approximately 8:30 a.m.

Our poor van got sick. On the way to our Bible Quiz meet one hour from here, on Interstate 69 North, our van started losing its ability to accelerate. Twice we felt like we hit a speed bump (at 70+ miles an hour?). He thinks it's probably the transmission slipping, but we're still not really sure. At the end of the meet day, we had it towed (and as luck would have it, our roadside assistance only pays for towing within 15 miles, so we got to cover the extra), so our mechanic will be able to look at it tomorrow, hopefully. (more on this later)


Saturday, approximately 10:30 p.m.

Round 3

no more needs to be said, just that last night was a really, really, really, long night with Bea. Let's just say that four year olds aren't so good at knowing when they are getting ready to vomit. So suffice it to say...

Sunday, Now

is another day home with a child instead of being at church. Recuperating (her from vomit, me from lack of sleep).

and catching up on lots and lots and lots of laundry.

But

Even though it's been a tough week. And will probably be tougher once we hear the prognosis from the mechanic.

I AM Thankful

My problems are vomiting and laundry and smelly old buckets that need bleached. And seven year old vans that quit working. The kids argue, I cry that I need a break, the house gets messy. My tummy hurts--their tummy hurts.

But I have a friend whose 13 year old son has leukemia. and there is a 3 year old granddaughter of someone we know who needs a heart transplant. And a 42 year old relative of a member of our church is dying and there is nothing anyone can do. She has 4 young sons at home. I can't imagine.

and that last item on my list, about sending a Christmas letter to Abhash and Kelebe? Those are boys who have NOTHING. They live in impoverished countries, and help them monthly, but it's not enough. We can't even send them any gifts, bigger than what will go flat into a business sized envelope.

They are excited to get stickers and a letter in the mail. They tell us in their broken written English that they pray for our family daily. Do we always remember to pray for them? Sadly, and ashamedly, no. We get caught up in everything here. The vomit, the arguing kids, the messy house, the clutter.

And yesterday? A friend of ours whose daughter was also going to the Bible quiz meet happened to need to follow us to the meet, because she didn't know the way. So when our van broke down, and we managed to get it into a rest stop, she was there. We all piled into her van and rode the rest of the way there. We weren't even late. We have it too good.

At supper the other night, one of the middle kids complained that they had to eat something that they didn't want to eat.

"it's not fair!" they whined.

Paige, in her eleven year old wisdom, repeated something that she had heard from someone else (and I know it's nothing new, but I was blessed to hear her repeat it),

"If life were fair, we'd all be starving."

I'm not saying I don't want new carpet or a van that runs well, or all those little things that would be nice to have. Because I do. And I'm sure you'll find me again, whining, and venting and telling how it is. And working towards those goals.

But I'm done complaining (or at least I'm going to try to be...). I have more than I need, more than I could ever ask for, and way, way more than I deserve.

Thankful, Day 7

I so hope to have a better week this week than last. I am rearranging my to do list to accommodate not finishing up last week (and barely making a dent, to be honest).

And lest I forget to mention it....

Today I am thankful for the peace and quiet and Bible reading and coffee while everyone is gone but me. When Bea is at preschool, that is when I am able to really focus on my Bible reading. I am in the middle of 2 Kings, which, to be perfectly honest, is not totally inspiring to me (not like Psalms or Proverbs or much of the New Testament) but it is my desire to know the whole Bible and not just bits and pieces that provide me encouragement. I see God's hand at work throughout all of the Old Testament, even in the parts that are hard to understand, and the parts might seem a little boring (dimensions and materials used in the temple, anyone?).

It's my desire to know where all of it came from, and to know all of God's word (it was all inspired, so I figure, who am I to pick and choose?)

(and that red paper is the "heart" that Bea made for me, it's those little things that little kids do that make me want to squeeze them and not let them grow up.

In all the madness and chaos, I am thankful for the peace and quiet.

Thankful Days and Days I'm not so sure...

Well, yesterday got away from me and before I knew it, I didn't post. The business of the kids' play and the bad funk I've been in for a week plus...I just didn't have the time or focus to post.

And as it turns out, today brings to a close Week 3 of  (Be ready by...) PROJECT 2012. 

Can you say FAIL?

I'm being very honest and very serious when I say that often, I wonder if I need medication for this rollercoaster of emotions I ride. When I'm in that bad place that I was in this past week (and really, some of the week before, I just had a brief respite last Sunday), it was hard to tear myself out of it, except for a few moments here and there.  But when I'm feeling better, more energetic, motivated, task-oriented, focused...like today, I think I can do it all, with a prayer and some good music playing. And so it goes til the next dip in my emotional road (oh, who am I kidding, it's not a dip at all, it's one of those super tall peaks that I come crashing down from at lightning speed........or perhaps it happens slower but the intensity and depth of the valley is the same).

And it happens, inevitably, and I still can't pinpoint why. Sometimes it's something that gets in my head and makes me begin to worry needlessly and stew about some problem. Sometimes I wake up and can't get going, and it begins. Sometimes it's an argument with a loved one (okay......the Mailman normally...not just any loved one).

But when I'm up, I feel I can conquer the world. And that's where this challenge came from. So on an off-week, my to do list seems hopelessly insurmountable. And overwhelming. In a week where I can't even seem to function enough to wash dishes, my challenge seems ridiculous. So this week was.

I did manage to cross off just a few things, but suffice it to say, I'll be backtracking a bit this next week, to try to make up for some lost time.

In a nutshell, regarding my BIG list, I didn't get much done. And much of what I got done was accomplished on the 2 days that the Mailman was home. Having him home motivates me, makes me feel better all the way around, and keeps me going somehow. Too bad he normally works long hours 6 days a week.

So tomorrow I am going to revamp my lists a bit, and I'm wondering, maybe they need to be made more do-able. ?  Could it be I've, once again, set my expectations too high?

Before I forget, I did not forget to be thankful. Today's item I am especially thankful for, and really it sort of covers both days, I guess.

That one extra hour of sleep last night! Got a really good night's sleep and I do feel more refreshed today, despite a nagging headache.

So even though I hate "springing forward", it should be noted that I love, love, love "falling back".

Here's hoping that the extra rest, the renewed motivation, and the sort-of clean house will be enough to get me going tomorrow, and for the rest of the week. We shall see.

Thankful, Day 4

Yesterday I was having a particularly hard day. Maybe you can tell it in my post, maybe not. ;-)

But I was. I was having some guilt about not being the best parent. About being at home with Bea but not fully being home with her--having my thoughts and my energy somewhere else, not fully at home.

And thinking about going to find a job somewhere other than home.

Yesterday she and I went nowhere til we had to pick up Henry and Eleanor from school and take Henry to his violin lesson. It was a Thursday, and generally Thursdays are pretty empty for us--for Bea and me. And I asked her, "do you like days at home with mommy, not doing much of anything...or do you like days where you go to preschool and PDO and gymnastics and grandma's? Which kind of day do you like better?" (trying to get a feeling for how much she wants me home with her--and how guilty I should feel if I find a job away)

"I like bofe of them better" was her reply.

So where does that leave me?

Still searching for answers, and trying to be content with where I am. Still working on that one.

On a totally unrelated note, no matter what, whether or not I find a job somewhere, I am thankful for this today: God's provision in my (and my family's) life.

This morning after preschool Bea and I ran to the grocery to pick up a few forgotten items for our slow-cooker dinner. When we entered, two older women gave us a small slip of paper and asked if we would consider giving to Christian Ministries for a food pantry.

Cans of soup, cans of vegetables, cans of tuna. Bea asked me what those ladies were doing and I realized how hard it is to explain to your 4 year old that some people don't have enough food, or money to buy food, or even warm homes to sleep in at night.

and that makes me feel so thankful that I do have those things.

We've had tough years in our past, where we really didn't know how our bills would get paid--before Nathan got his job, when we were just piecing money together here and there. And we had lots of blessings from God: little blessings, big blessings: a few meals brought to us, hand me down clothing, even cash from an anonymous source through our church. We never did learn who it was who gave us a generous gift in an hour when we truly needed it, but they knew--somehow--what we needed and they provided.

I hope to help someone else out in a big way someday, but until that day, I am thankful for what I have. I hope my children learn to be thankful as well.

Thankful Day 3

I feel broken today. I just feel so swallowed up in overwhelming emotion and defeat, I feel so physically worn out, I'm just spent.

I know...bring on the drama. (oh, the humanity!)...........

This is not the post I wanted to write today. I thought I was going to wake up this morning with a song in my heart and a spring in my step. I thought I would have yet another do-over today. Because I need it after yesterday.

But instead I woke up so tired, and so sluggish, with a slightly-sick child (who just happens to be losing her voice on the eve of a theater performance of Cinderella...in which she is Drizella, the nasty stepsister), and a slightly-sick feeling in my heart.

and I can't explain it.

We are all worn out here. We are overscheduled, overwhelmed, overtired, overburdened with responsibility, indecision, and a general feeling of..ugh.

And I know we all (meaning the general population of women, men, children and families) have these same feelings. I know my own family of 6 is not the only one who feels this way. Believe me, I know.

But some days it just hits me more than others. And lately, it's been hitting me a lot.

So this morning, as I made Eleanor a concoction of honey, lemon juice, and warm water, as I hurriedly wrote a note to her teacher explaining that Eleanor's voice is about shot........I worried.

When I drug myself into the van to take my kids to school, wearing my oh-so-fashionable snowman pajama pants, fuzzy socks, crocs (I know, I'm so 2009), and fuzzy hoody, with non-travel coffee cup in hand (and yes, I spilled in my hurry to get out the front door), I really worried. I really felt it.

I told Eleanor I was worried about her voice. I was worried she wouldn't be able to perform at her dress rehearsal tonight (where I would be video taping, as would many other parents), I told her even more so, I was worried she wouldn't be able to perform tomorrow night at opening night.

And it was not just her voice that had me worried. I know her losing her voice is small potatoes to some people. I have children with no major health problems, we have just/almost enough money each month. Our circumstances are not nearly as tragic as other people's.

But sometimes it is just all of the above. It just hits you all at once. Not just worry, but anxiety and stress.

And on the way home, I pondered all of this in the silence of the van. Halfway home, I turned on my favorite radio station, and heard an ad for the Moody Bible Institute Bible verse of the week.

Philippians 4:6
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

And then I realized, yet again (you would think I would get it by now): God really cares for us. He knows how things are going to turn out. He knows all the big and little things that worry us. He knows!

Why should I worry when I know God is taking care of it all? Because I'm human. I am still learning to immerse myself in God's word, to not be swayed by my emotions, to not ride the rollercoaster that I have ridden for so long in m;y life. I'm still working on me.

and God is too. Little by little, changing me and shaping me

Just like with my house, and my health and my family, I will never be perfect. The closer I get to God, the more I see how imperfect I am. But rather than let that bother me, I need to learn more to just throw myself into knowing Him more and relying more on his grace and his faithfulness.

I'll be honest. Today I'm not sure how things are going to work out (I don't just mean Eleanor's voice, I mean so many other things that are on my mind and on my heart). The voice is really the least of those.

But I am thankful that He knows, and that He will be there, I just need to trust Him with all that weighs on me.

And for that I am thankful.

Thankul, Day 2

Not just the children but the laughter they share. I don't remember what was so funny but something was said while we were trying to get them to smile for our annual Halloween photo, something that struck them all funny at once. And it  just makes me smile every time I look at this photo.

They are not just sweet, smart, and healthy, but even though they have plenty of moments that are not so nice...they love each other and really enjoy each other's company.

And for that I am thankful.

Thankful

November gets neglected a lot on the whole. When it begins, our Jack O Lanterns are still smiling and lit, and candy bags are dripping full. By the end of it, we've stuffed ourselves over Thanksgiving and are caught up in a flurry of Christmas planning and activity. It starts with piles of leaves still and ends (sometimes) with piles of snow. And sometimes in between we forget the Main Event of the month. (and I don't mean Black Friday). Perhaps we have the big meal and pore over the ads, but I know personally, I rarely stop and think to be thankful.

It's a tragedy, really. And I know this is no new concept but I am going to stop. Everything. And take time to be thankful. I'm going to stop the to do list and the self-improvement scheme and stop long enough each day of this month to think about what is more important than my plan to make life more livable. And more organized and all that jazz.

Because I really am thankful, deep down, for so much. I'm sure I don't do the best job of expressing that, but I really truly am.

So, today, November 1,  I am thankful for

These Five People (the husband and children of not so Supermom )

 
These people mean the world to me. (never mind the grumpy, Strangers with Candy look on the little one's face, she does not usually cooperate for photos... ;-)

From the husband who tells me I'm beautiful daily (and I do mean daily, even though I roll my eyes daily, because I not feel beautiful) to the kids who wrap their little arms around me and tell me they love me, and tell me I'm a good mommy, and tell me how pretty I am (again, I try to resist the eye rolling but I don't feel it at all). And they seem to quickly forget all the times I get impatient and yell (yes, yes, I do), or forget to sign the permission slips, or burn dinner.

They are a wonderful group of people I get to live life with (and at this point, my  8 year old would likely tell me I can't end a sentence with a preposition...she has learned a lot in 3rd grade so far!)

And not just because of the compliments, because one could chalk all that up to flattery, if one felt like it, and it would be easy to wonder what they are looking to get by complimenting me...though they never ask. But just because. I am blessed to have them.

The Mailman just told me this morning (well he texted me this but I'm sure it was sincere).........that God loves me so much and that God wants me to be at peace. He lives daily with my personal turmoil, he is on the receiving end of most of my stress, and as much as he tries to make things better for me, and make me feel like a better mom/better wife/better housekeeper/better person...he knows he's just another person, and can't do it all.

So he took the time and effort to remind me that it's not just him on my side...God is on my side.

And for that, I am so thankful.

Halloween and Other News

I've already decided today's kind of a wash. Between the preschool party at 10:30, the elementary kids' parties at 1:45 (and yes, I'm room mom for the 1st grader so my presence is necessary), and of course, Trick or Treating tonight, I'm thinking I'll be lucky to get one load of laundry completed.

And as for that losing weight goal I have (I started to type had, as if it was a thing of the past! Pftt..), well, Halloween is not really the best time to try to make that happen. Because sometimes the kids just get more candy than they can possibly handle, right? I wouldn't want them to overload and get sick. It's my duty as a parent to help them out a little.

Especially if there are Reese Cups and Twix bars in the bags. Smarties, Pixie Stix, eh...I can resist. But the premium chocolate is what kills me every time.

So those are my thoughts on Halloween, and candy, as it were.

My scale battery died this weekend, which is probably a good thing. Because honestly I'm sure the truth would hurt right now. I'm back on the wagon (or is off the wagon...I'm never sure), as far as trying. I had a few bingey days last week which leads me to wonder what happens, why do I feel like eating piece after piece of toast and butter and grape jelly. At least the toast is whole wheat---I'm getting my fiber, if nothing else!

But I do need to start tracking again. And I do need to run again, but that blasted knee...ick. It is still hurting, which is definitely putting a damper on my ability to exercise in any form or fashion. So binging just seems appropriate after days of lethargy and inactivitiy.

So...........moving on.......

I did make considerable progress on our bedroom--which, without a doubt, has been the Number 1 Most Neglected Room in our House. 

Tomorrow is a new day, a new month, and the start of a new week (well, technically today is but just ignore that fact since I'm getting absolutely nothing done today on the homefront. At the moment Bea. is retelling every single moment of her morning at preschool, including "walking down the stairs carrying my pencils in a basket." So clearly today will not be all that productive). Wow, end parens, I guess.

and as is probably obvious, I'm having a few formatting issues. Just ignore that too. :-D

(So now that I have restored my former formatting.............I'm finished. I'm not super tech-savvy, so perhaps on my next post I'll get it worked out. )

My current list looks overwhelming to me, and I have a feeling perhaps I have bitten off more than I can chew. Add to this the kids' busy schedule--they have tech week for a play this week and shows all next weekend, and tonight is Halloween. But I did make progress this weekend so I'm starting with a fairly clean slate. And I'm not bugged and overwhelmed and in a pit right now so as long as the good attitude and motivation keep up, I'm good.

Right?