I don't know about the job yet--I'm still not sure what I'll say if it is offered to me. I considered working as a substitute teacher instead. Or doing nothing. And staying home and trying to get some things in order: house, kids, myself, take care of that laundry list of things I have been putting off forever.
I still thought maybe I could sub once or twice a week. And then Sunday night I had this awful dream. It started out as my son's birthday party, but none of the kids would listen to me. All I wanted to do was take a group picture--and none of them would be still and line up.
I kept saying, "okay, tall kids in the back, mediums in the middle, littles in the front" like they were lining up for a class picture or something. Only the kids were running around screaming. And I kept looking at the Mailman, and putting my fingers to my mouth as if I wanted him to whistle to get their attention. Because they clearly weren't listening to me.
Then somehow it morphed into a school situation, in which all the kids abruptly left the classroom, and left all of their papers on the floor, and on the desks, and on the tables and chairs. And suddenly it was the lunchroom--and everyone came in for lunch: hundreds of kids and teachers marched in. I was crawling around on the floor frantically picking up the kids' papers and coats they had left behind. And I felt awful, and inadequate. And I realized when I awoke that maybe substitute teaching wouldn't work out either.
So last night I had a nice talk with the Mailman and we determined that maybe I do just need some time to put things in order. Starting with just one thing at a time. Some days I try to tackle it all at once, and end up feeling unmotivated and frustrated.
So today I'm going to make a list of what is reasonable (and not what *I* think is reasonable, but what is really reasonable), and tackle what I can. Like today, maybe that means dishes. Getting things back in reasonable order then tackling one thing at a time.
Matthew 6:25-27: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, November 7, 2011
Thankful, Day 7
I so hope to have a better week this week than last. I am rearranging my to do list to accommodate not finishing up last week (and barely making a dent, to be honest).
And lest I forget to mention it....
Today I am thankful for the peace and quiet and Bible reading and coffee while everyone is gone but me. When Bea is at preschool, that is when I am able to really focus on my Bible reading. I am in the middle of 2 Kings, which, to be perfectly honest, is not totally inspiring to me (not like Psalms or Proverbs or much of the New Testament) but it is my desire to know the whole Bible and not just bits and pieces that provide me encouragement. I see God's hand at work throughout all of the Old Testament, even in the parts that are hard to understand, and the parts might seem a little boring (dimensions and materials used in the temple, anyone?).
It's my desire to know where all of it came from, and to know all of God's word (it was all inspired, so I figure, who am I to pick and choose?)
(and that red paper is the "heart" that Bea made for me, it's those little things that little kids do that make me want to squeeze them and not let them grow up.
In all the madness and chaos, I am thankful for the peace and quiet.
And lest I forget to mention it....
Today I am thankful for the peace and quiet and Bible reading and coffee while everyone is gone but me. When Bea is at preschool, that is when I am able to really focus on my Bible reading. I am in the middle of 2 Kings, which, to be perfectly honest, is not totally inspiring to me (not like Psalms or Proverbs or much of the New Testament) but it is my desire to know the whole Bible and not just bits and pieces that provide me encouragement. I see God's hand at work throughout all of the Old Testament, even in the parts that are hard to understand, and the parts might seem a little boring (dimensions and materials used in the temple, anyone?).
It's my desire to know where all of it came from, and to know all of God's word (it was all inspired, so I figure, who am I to pick and choose?)
(and that red paper is the "heart" that Bea made for me, it's those little things that little kids do that make me want to squeeze them and not let them grow up.
In all the madness and chaos, I am thankful for the peace and quiet.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Thankful, Day 4
Yesterday I was having a particularly hard day. Maybe you can tell it in my post, maybe not. ;-)
But I was. I was having some guilt about not being the best parent. About being at home with Bea but not fully being home with her--having my thoughts and my energy somewhere else, not fully at home.
And thinking about going to find a job somewhere other than home.
Yesterday she and I went nowhere til we had to pick up Henry and Eleanor from school and take Henry to his violin lesson. It was a Thursday, and generally Thursdays are pretty empty for us--for Bea and me. And I asked her, "do you like days at home with mommy, not doing much of anything...or do you like days where you go to preschool and PDO and gymnastics and grandma's? Which kind of day do you like better?" (trying to get a feeling for how much she wants me home with her--and how guilty I should feel if I find a job away)
"I like bofe of them better" was her reply.
So where does that leave me?
Still searching for answers, and trying to be content with where I am. Still working on that one.
On a totally unrelated note, no matter what, whether or not I find a job somewhere, I am thankful for this today: God's provision in my (and my family's) life.
This morning after preschool Bea and I ran to the grocery to pick up a few forgotten items for our slow-cooker dinner. When we entered, two older women gave us a small slip of paper and asked if we would consider giving to Christian Ministries for a food pantry.
Cans of soup, cans of vegetables, cans of tuna. Bea asked me what those ladies were doing and I realized how hard it is to explain to your 4 year old that some people don't have enough food, or money to buy food, or even warm homes to sleep in at night.
and that makes me feel so thankful that I do have those things.
We've had tough years in our past, where we really didn't know how our bills would get paid--before Nathan got his job, when we were just piecing money together here and there. And we had lots of blessings from God: little blessings, big blessings: a few meals brought to us, hand me down clothing, even cash from an anonymous source through our church. We never did learn who it was who gave us a generous gift in an hour when we truly needed it, but they knew--somehow--what we needed and they provided.
I hope to help someone else out in a big way someday, but until that day, I am thankful for what I have. I hope my children learn to be thankful as well.
But I was. I was having some guilt about not being the best parent. About being at home with Bea but not fully being home with her--having my thoughts and my energy somewhere else, not fully at home.
And thinking about going to find a job somewhere other than home.
Yesterday she and I went nowhere til we had to pick up Henry and Eleanor from school and take Henry to his violin lesson. It was a Thursday, and generally Thursdays are pretty empty for us--for Bea and me. And I asked her, "do you like days at home with mommy, not doing much of anything...or do you like days where you go to preschool and PDO and gymnastics and grandma's? Which kind of day do you like better?" (trying to get a feeling for how much she wants me home with her--and how guilty I should feel if I find a job away)
"I like bofe of them better" was her reply.
So where does that leave me?
Still searching for answers, and trying to be content with where I am. Still working on that one.
On a totally unrelated note, no matter what, whether or not I find a job somewhere, I am thankful for this today: God's provision in my (and my family's) life.
This morning after preschool Bea and I ran to the grocery to pick up a few forgotten items for our slow-cooker dinner. When we entered, two older women gave us a small slip of paper and asked if we would consider giving to Christian Ministries for a food pantry.
Cans of soup, cans of vegetables, cans of tuna. Bea asked me what those ladies were doing and I realized how hard it is to explain to your 4 year old that some people don't have enough food, or money to buy food, or even warm homes to sleep in at night.
and that makes me feel so thankful that I do have those things.
We've had tough years in our past, where we really didn't know how our bills would get paid--before Nathan got his job, when we were just piecing money together here and there. And we had lots of blessings from God: little blessings, big blessings: a few meals brought to us, hand me down clothing, even cash from an anonymous source through our church. We never did learn who it was who gave us a generous gift in an hour when we truly needed it, but they knew--somehow--what we needed and they provided.
I hope to help someone else out in a big way someday, but until that day, I am thankful for what I have. I hope my children learn to be thankful as well.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Thankful Day 3
I feel broken today. I just feel so swallowed up in overwhelming emotion and defeat, I feel so physically worn out, I'm just spent.
I know...bring on the drama. (oh, the humanity!)...........
This is not the post I wanted to write today. I thought I was going to wake up this morning with a song in my heart and a spring in my step. I thought I would have yet another do-over today. Because I need it after yesterday.
But instead I woke up so tired, and so sluggish, with a slightly-sick child (who just happens to be losing her voice on the eve of a theater performance of Cinderella...in which she is Drizella, the nasty stepsister), and a slightly-sick feeling in my heart.
and I can't explain it.
We are all worn out here. We are overscheduled, overwhelmed, overtired, overburdened with responsibility, indecision, and a general feeling of..ugh.
And I know we all (meaning the general population of women, men, children and families) have these same feelings. I know my own family of 6 is not the only one who feels this way. Believe me, I know.
But some days it just hits me more than others. And lately, it's been hitting me a lot.
So this morning, as I made Eleanor a concoction of honey, lemon juice, and warm water, as I hurriedly wrote a note to her teacher explaining that Eleanor's voice is about shot........I worried.
When I drug myself into the van to take my kids to school, wearing my oh-so-fashionable snowman pajama pants, fuzzy socks, crocs (I know, I'm so 2009), and fuzzy hoody, with non-travel coffee cup in hand (and yes, I spilled in my hurry to get out the front door), I really worried. I really felt it.
I told Eleanor I was worried about her voice. I was worried she wouldn't be able to perform at her dress rehearsal tonight (where I would be video taping, as would many other parents), I told her even more so, I was worried she wouldn't be able to perform tomorrow night at opening night.
And it was not just her voice that had me worried. I know her losing her voice is small potatoes to some people. I have children with no major health problems, we have just/almost enough money each month. Our circumstances are not nearly as tragic as other people's.
But sometimes it is just all of the above. It just hits you all at once. Not just worry, but anxiety and stress.
And on the way home, I pondered all of this in the silence of the van. Halfway home, I turned on my favorite radio station, and heard an ad for the Moody Bible Institute Bible verse of the week.
Philippians 4:6
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
And then I realized, yet again (you would think I would get it by now): God really cares for us. He knows how things are going to turn out. He knows all the big and little things that worry us. He knows!
Why should I worry when I know God is taking care of it all? Because I'm human. I am still learning to immerse myself in God's word, to not be swayed by my emotions, to not ride the rollercoaster that I have ridden for so long in m;y life. I'm still working on me.
and God is too. Little by little, changing me and shaping me
Just like with my house, and my health and my family, I will never be perfect. The closer I get to God, the more I see how imperfect I am. But rather than let that bother me, I need to learn more to just throw myself into knowing Him more and relying more on his grace and his faithfulness.
I'll be honest. Today I'm not sure how things are going to work out (I don't just mean Eleanor's voice, I mean so many other things that are on my mind and on my heart). The voice is really the least of those.
But I am thankful that He knows, and that He will be there, I just need to trust Him with all that weighs on me.
And for that I am thankful.
I know...bring on the drama. (oh, the humanity!)...........
This is not the post I wanted to write today. I thought I was going to wake up this morning with a song in my heart and a spring in my step. I thought I would have yet another do-over today. Because I need it after yesterday.
But instead I woke up so tired, and so sluggish, with a slightly-sick child (who just happens to be losing her voice on the eve of a theater performance of Cinderella...in which she is Drizella, the nasty stepsister), and a slightly-sick feeling in my heart.
and I can't explain it.
We are all worn out here. We are overscheduled, overwhelmed, overtired, overburdened with responsibility, indecision, and a general feeling of..ugh.
And I know we all (meaning the general population of women, men, children and families) have these same feelings. I know my own family of 6 is not the only one who feels this way. Believe me, I know.
But some days it just hits me more than others. And lately, it's been hitting me a lot.
So this morning, as I made Eleanor a concoction of honey, lemon juice, and warm water, as I hurriedly wrote a note to her teacher explaining that Eleanor's voice is about shot........I worried.
When I drug myself into the van to take my kids to school, wearing my oh-so-fashionable snowman pajama pants, fuzzy socks, crocs (I know, I'm so 2009), and fuzzy hoody, with non-travel coffee cup in hand (and yes, I spilled in my hurry to get out the front door), I really worried. I really felt it.
I told Eleanor I was worried about her voice. I was worried she wouldn't be able to perform at her dress rehearsal tonight (where I would be video taping, as would many other parents), I told her even more so, I was worried she wouldn't be able to perform tomorrow night at opening night.
And it was not just her voice that had me worried. I know her losing her voice is small potatoes to some people. I have children with no major health problems, we have just/almost enough money each month. Our circumstances are not nearly as tragic as other people's.
But sometimes it is just all of the above. It just hits you all at once. Not just worry, but anxiety and stress.
And on the way home, I pondered all of this in the silence of the van. Halfway home, I turned on my favorite radio station, and heard an ad for the Moody Bible Institute Bible verse of the week.
Philippians 4:6
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
And then I realized, yet again (you would think I would get it by now): God really cares for us. He knows how things are going to turn out. He knows all the big and little things that worry us. He knows!
Why should I worry when I know God is taking care of it all? Because I'm human. I am still learning to immerse myself in God's word, to not be swayed by my emotions, to not ride the rollercoaster that I have ridden for so long in m;y life. I'm still working on me.
and God is too. Little by little, changing me and shaping me
Just like with my house, and my health and my family, I will never be perfect. The closer I get to God, the more I see how imperfect I am. But rather than let that bother me, I need to learn more to just throw myself into knowing Him more and relying more on his grace and his faithfulness.
I'll be honest. Today I'm not sure how things are going to work out (I don't just mean Eleanor's voice, I mean so many other things that are on my mind and on my heart). The voice is really the least of those.
But I am thankful that He knows, and that He will be there, I just need to trust Him with all that weighs on me.
And for that I am thankful.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Today has to be a better day
Even if it kills us. Which it might. I woke up this morning to the sound of a 4 year old and an 8 year old having a screaming match. Which, in case you have never woken up to, is not the most pleasant way to wake up. In fact, I can think of many other ways to wake up which would be preferable.
But what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger (or at least I've heard that--I'm still on the fence about whether I should believe that or not).
And yesterday didn't kill us. And this morning, waking up to that awful cacophony of screaming and accusation (which begun over who would pour their cereal first, as it turns out) gave me the resolve to calmly walk downstairs and investigate. I was calm!!
I am so proud of myself. I know that is really terrible, most parents probably keep their cool daily and think nothing of it, but after yesterday, it's quite an accomplishment.
so today proves to be better, already.
And my 10 week plan is (mostly) coming along. I haven't completed Week 2 yet, but I have through Sunday night and I have definitely made progress. I will make more progress today, no doubt. Because I'll be home alone for at least the afternoon. Which brings me to Another Reason Why Today Will Be a Better Day.
The kids are going to my parents house for several hours to spend time with them since they are off school. No, I'm not jumping up and down rejoicing (although after yesterday, perhaps I should), but I am excited to have some more time to myself to work on all those little mini-projects on Week 2 of my plan.
And while I still have a lot left on my plan at the end of Week 2, I hope to make major progress by the end of the day today, and certainly by the end of the weekend.
But I do know this. After yesterday, I may not have been like Paul and Silas, singing in the prison. In fact,
I'm pretty sure I wasn't reacting anywhere close to the way I should have, but today I will rejoice no matter what in my circumstance.
But what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger (or at least I've heard that--I'm still on the fence about whether I should believe that or not).
And yesterday didn't kill us. And this morning, waking up to that awful cacophony of screaming and accusation (which begun over who would pour their cereal first, as it turns out) gave me the resolve to calmly walk downstairs and investigate. I was calm!!
I am so proud of myself. I know that is really terrible, most parents probably keep their cool daily and think nothing of it, but after yesterday, it's quite an accomplishment.
so today proves to be better, already.
And my 10 week plan is (mostly) coming along. I haven't completed Week 2 yet, but I have through Sunday night and I have definitely made progress. I will make more progress today, no doubt. Because I'll be home alone for at least the afternoon. Which brings me to Another Reason Why Today Will Be a Better Day.
The kids are going to my parents house for several hours to spend time with them since they are off school. No, I'm not jumping up and down rejoicing (although after yesterday, perhaps I should), but I am excited to have some more time to myself to work on all those little mini-projects on Week 2 of my plan.
And while I still have a lot left on my plan at the end of Week 2, I hope to make major progress by the end of the day today, and certainly by the end of the weekend.
But I do know this. After yesterday, I may not have been like Paul and Silas, singing in the prison. In fact,
I'm pretty sure I wasn't reacting anywhere close to the way I should have, but today I will rejoice no matter what in my circumstance.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
What really matters
Again. I've had a lot of bad days lately. I've had lots of ups and downs, even as of yesterday. Lots of days where I couldn't be motivated to do much of anything, and where I let pressures of life and even more so, my negative emotions, get in the way of my well being. I forgot I was supposed to be thankful and rejoice at all times. It's easy to forget if you don't make it a point every day to remember.
I know I will never be perfect but I've always tried. And I think I've always thought, somewhere in my head, that if everything were---if the house was decorated just right--and I lost the right amount of weight---and the hair looked good--and the kids got along---and the money was in the bank---well, *then* I would be happy.
But you know what, I am working on changing it, because I know that is not who God wants me to be. I know I am not to be swayed by my emotions. Emotions can't be trusted. I let the smallest thing change my mood, or alter my attitude...or throw me into a pit of depression. Really. I'm not exaggerating. The time before this last time, it was that the Mailman bought me a kitchen appliance at a garage sale. I thought he spent too much, I thought it was overkill for what I needed or wanted, I thought it took up too much on the kitchen counter. and somehow....as ridiculous as it sounds...I let that make me angry, then I let it get me down, and then things just sort of spiraled downward from there. For about 4 days, I felt depressed. It wasn't just the kitchen appliance, believe me, but I honestly think that minor annoyance was the catalyst. And I know that's just awful. But once that feeling crept in, it wouldn't go away and it just festered.
So anyway, today I decided to stop it. I went running. And trust me, I'm not really a runner. I just started several weeks ago, a little at a time. But sometimes it gives me solace and it gives me quiet and it gives me time. Time where I'm not tempted to check facebook, or e-mail, or fold laundry, or run the vacuum. Just time.
and I thought and I prayed to God to give me direction. I feel a little lost right now--not sure what career path is in store for me, if any, now that the kids are getting older. And you know, I can't tell you that I heard a voice from heaven, or I got a clear answer, or anything...regarding any of that.
but what I did get was a sense of peace. An understanding, after all this struggle, that my hope is in God. It's in what Jesus did on the cross. It's not in what job I might take, or how clean the house is, or what part the kids get in the play, or how much money we have. It's simply in that Jesus died on the cross.
He is our hope, He is our peace, and our joy.
and I am so thankful for that.
I know I will never be perfect but I've always tried. And I think I've always thought, somewhere in my head, that if everything were---if the house was decorated just right--and I lost the right amount of weight---and the hair looked good--and the kids got along---and the money was in the bank---well, *then* I would be happy.
But you know what, I am working on changing it, because I know that is not who God wants me to be. I know I am not to be swayed by my emotions. Emotions can't be trusted. I let the smallest thing change my mood, or alter my attitude...or throw me into a pit of depression. Really. I'm not exaggerating. The time before this last time, it was that the Mailman bought me a kitchen appliance at a garage sale. I thought he spent too much, I thought it was overkill for what I needed or wanted, I thought it took up too much on the kitchen counter. and somehow....as ridiculous as it sounds...I let that make me angry, then I let it get me down, and then things just sort of spiraled downward from there. For about 4 days, I felt depressed. It wasn't just the kitchen appliance, believe me, but I honestly think that minor annoyance was the catalyst. And I know that's just awful. But once that feeling crept in, it wouldn't go away and it just festered.
So anyway, today I decided to stop it. I went running. And trust me, I'm not really a runner. I just started several weeks ago, a little at a time. But sometimes it gives me solace and it gives me quiet and it gives me time. Time where I'm not tempted to check facebook, or e-mail, or fold laundry, or run the vacuum. Just time.
and I thought and I prayed to God to give me direction. I feel a little lost right now--not sure what career path is in store for me, if any, now that the kids are getting older. And you know, I can't tell you that I heard a voice from heaven, or I got a clear answer, or anything...regarding any of that.
but what I did get was a sense of peace. An understanding, after all this struggle, that my hope is in God. It's in what Jesus did on the cross. It's not in what job I might take, or how clean the house is, or what part the kids get in the play, or how much money we have. It's simply in that Jesus died on the cross.
He is our hope, He is our peace, and our joy.
and I am so thankful for that.
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