Overwhelmed

I don't know about the job yet--I'm still not sure what I'll say if it is offered to me. I considered working as a substitute teacher instead. Or doing nothing. And staying home and trying to get some things in order: house, kids, myself, take care of that laundry list of things I have been putting off forever.

I still thought maybe I could sub once or twice a week. And then Sunday night I had this awful dream. It started out as my son's birthday party, but none of the kids would listen to me. All I wanted to do was take a group picture--and none of them would be still and line up.

I kept saying, "okay, tall kids in the back, mediums in the middle, littles in the front" like they were lining up for a class picture or something. Only the kids were running around screaming. And I kept looking at the Mailman, and putting my fingers to my mouth as if I wanted him to whistle to get their attention. Because they clearly weren't listening to me.

Then somehow it morphed into a school situation, in which all the kids abruptly left the classroom, and left all of their papers on the floor, and on the desks, and on the tables and chairs. And suddenly it was the lunchroom--and everyone came in for lunch: hundreds of kids and teachers marched in. I was crawling around on the floor frantically picking up the kids' papers and coats they had left behind. And I felt awful, and inadequate. And I realized when I awoke that maybe substitute teaching wouldn't work out either.

So last night I had a nice talk with the Mailman and we determined that maybe I do just need some time to put things in order. Starting with just one thing at a time. Some days I try to tackle it all at once, and end up feeling unmotivated and frustrated.

So today I'm going to make a list of what is reasonable (and not what *I* think is reasonable, but what is really reasonable), and tackle what I can. Like today, maybe that means dishes. Getting things back in reasonable order then tackling one thing at a time.

Matthew 6:25-27: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

Halloween and Other News

I've already decided today's kind of a wash. Between the preschool party at 10:30, the elementary kids' parties at 1:45 (and yes, I'm room mom for the 1st grader so my presence is necessary), and of course, Trick or Treating tonight, I'm thinking I'll be lucky to get one load of laundry completed.

And as for that losing weight goal I have (I started to type had, as if it was a thing of the past! Pftt..), well, Halloween is not really the best time to try to make that happen. Because sometimes the kids just get more candy than they can possibly handle, right? I wouldn't want them to overload and get sick. It's my duty as a parent to help them out a little.

Especially if there are Reese Cups and Twix bars in the bags. Smarties, Pixie Stix, eh...I can resist. But the premium chocolate is what kills me every time.

So those are my thoughts on Halloween, and candy, as it were.

My scale battery died this weekend, which is probably a good thing. Because honestly I'm sure the truth would hurt right now. I'm back on the wagon (or is off the wagon...I'm never sure), as far as trying. I had a few bingey days last week which leads me to wonder what happens, why do I feel like eating piece after piece of toast and butter and grape jelly. At least the toast is whole wheat---I'm getting my fiber, if nothing else!

But I do need to start tracking again. And I do need to run again, but that blasted knee...ick. It is still hurting, which is definitely putting a damper on my ability to exercise in any form or fashion. So binging just seems appropriate after days of lethargy and inactivitiy.

So...........moving on.......

I did make considerable progress on our bedroom--which, without a doubt, has been the Number 1 Most Neglected Room in our House. 

Tomorrow is a new day, a new month, and the start of a new week (well, technically today is but just ignore that fact since I'm getting absolutely nothing done today on the homefront. At the moment Bea. is retelling every single moment of her morning at preschool, including "walking down the stairs carrying my pencils in a basket." So clearly today will not be all that productive). Wow, end parens, I guess.

and as is probably obvious, I'm having a few formatting issues. Just ignore that too. :-D

(So now that I have restored my former formatting.............I'm finished. I'm not super tech-savvy, so perhaps on my next post I'll get it worked out. )

My current list looks overwhelming to me, and I have a feeling perhaps I have bitten off more than I can chew. Add to this the kids' busy schedule--they have tech week for a play this week and shows all next weekend, and tonight is Halloween. But I did make progress this weekend so I'm starting with a fairly clean slate. And I'm not bugged and overwhelmed and in a pit right now so as long as the good attitude and motivation keep up, I'm good.

Right?

Today has to be a better day

Even if it kills us. Which it might. I woke up this morning to the sound of a 4 year old and an 8 year old having a screaming match. Which, in case you have never woken up to, is not the most pleasant way to wake up. In fact, I can think of many other ways to wake up which would be preferable.

But what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger (or at least I've heard that--I'm still on the fence about whether I should believe that or not).

And yesterday didn't kill us. And this morning, waking up to that awful cacophony of screaming and accusation (which begun over who would pour their cereal first, as it turns out) gave me the resolve to calmly walk downstairs and investigate. I was calm!!

I am so proud of myself. I know that is really terrible, most parents probably keep their cool daily and think  nothing of it, but after yesterday, it's quite an accomplishment.

so today proves to be better, already.

And my 10 week plan is (mostly) coming along. I haven't completed Week 2 yet, but I have through Sunday night and I have definitely made progress. I will make more progress today, no doubt. Because I'll be home alone for at least the afternoon. Which brings me to Another Reason Why Today Will Be a Better Day.

The kids are going to my parents house for several hours to spend time with them since they are off school. No, I'm not jumping up and down rejoicing (although after yesterday, perhaps I should), but I am excited to have some more time to myself to work on all those little mini-projects on Week 2 of my plan.

And while I still have a lot left on my plan at the end of Week 2, I hope to make major progress by the end of the day today, and certainly by the end of the weekend.
But I do know this. After yesterday, I may not have been like Paul and Silas, singing in the prison. In fact,
I'm pretty sure I wasn't reacting anywhere close to the way I should have, but today I will rejoice no matter what in my circumstance.

It's not wrong, is it?

To want things to be better? 

I know it will never be perfect..and I do believe that progress is better than perfection (well, who am I kidding, I wouldn't mind a little perfection now and then)...and I know I need to learn to be okay with how things are, whether they are perf... orderly or not.  And I'm going to try to keep my perfectionist self from rearing its ugly head because after all, that is what got me in this mess in the first place 

And I did say I was tweaking it a bit. I'm sure I'll remember other things along the way. But for now, I just need some sense of order in my house and a little peace in my life...and that's not bad, right?

And another lesson while we're on the subject of peace...I know that only God can give me real peace and I am thankful for the peace I have in Him.

But I also know God wants us to be people of excellence, and I know God is not a God of chaos and disorder. And I have to believe he wants us to feel okay with how things are and not always be scrambling around running late, losing things, and getting frustrated with ourselves. No, that was never the plan.

I would be lying if I said that deep down, I was okay with looking at my list of weekly things to accomplish and not having it all crossed off now that it's Sunday night. But what can you do except move forward tomorrow?

I do have a lot of work in store for myself. And I'm pretty sure I'll fall down along the way. But I have to start somewhere.

Only 364 Days til...

Christmas. Yes, it was just yesterday.

But my kids are already planning ahead for Christmas 2011, and frankly, so am I. Last night after we arrived home from Christmas with my side of the family, Paige (10 years old) promptly announced to her 3 younger siblings, "Tomorrow is the beginning of the new Santa year." I.E., anything done between today and next Christmas Eve can either make you or break you. Smart kid.

For me, it's a little bit different. I am not happy with myself at all: I need to lose weight, keep my patience better with the kids, budget better, clean up the house and get it organized (and keep it that way, of course), get a cute haircut, become glamorous: you know, basic staple mom things. Some are more attainable than others. 

I have attempted the Flylady way many times over the year, and usually, each time, I am able to get through parts of it successfully--but never consistently. Last January through May, I lost some weight, I kept the house fairly cleaned up, I accomplished some things...but I gained most of that weight back, and I have gotten back to a messy house, sloppy finances, and feeling, well, downright blah again. It's a cycle that has recurred often throughout my 37 years. And with the dawn of each new year, I think, aha!! THIS will be my year. But it hasn't happened yet. 

So this time, I am not thinking in terms of goals, I am thinking in terms of a gift--my gift to myself, and my family, for next Christmas, is a better me.  One who looks better, feels better, and behaves like the mom I have envisioned in my head. Not perfect, but better.  I know it's corny, but what the heck. The goals and to do lists and resolutions haven't worked yet---so here goes. Perhaps corny will work. 

We still have Christmas with the Mailman's side of the family tomorrow night--then he will be off work til next Monday, January 3. Yippee!! The tag team parenting will make a comeback!  And in the meantime, I am going to spend a few days planning my plan of attack, preparing, with hubby's help, then I'm going to hit the ground running...next Monday. 

But I'm not going to call them New Year's Resolutions. I'm just planning ahead for next Christmas.

The Truth

I have a confession:

 I'm a mess. Honestly, I should count my lucky stars that my husband truly loves me, because if he didn't, he probably would've been out the door long long ago. Or so I tell him. 

I'm a really bad housekeeper. What's worse, is I'm an inconsistent housekeeper.  I may have a 3 month stint of keeping the house pretty clean, dishes done every day, laundry folded and put away.........and then bam, before you know it, I hit a slump. And it's not just keeping the house clean, it's our whole lifestyle. 

One week I have the menu posted for the week on Sunday night, grocery shopping done and put away Monday morning by 9 a.m, the next week, he can call me on the way home from work at almost 7 p.m. and ask what's for supper and I have no clue. And we run out of bread by Tuesday noon and just get by until he offers to stop at the store on the way home later in the week. It's not good.

My mom tries to tell me that everybody is like this, and they just put on a good front, but I don't buy it. If so, this world is in a pretty sorry state. Either that, she says, or if they do have clean houses and peaceful frames of mind, then their lives just aren't as busy as mine. She's an enabler, I tell you.

I can usually get the house cleaned up but keeping it that way is another story. Maintenance and I are not good friends. And this time it's gotten out of hand, in my opinion anyway.

But today I'm bound and determined. The hubby is at work, so it's just me and the kids here; I've threatened bribed  kindly asked my middle kids to play with Bea (who is 2 and makes me certain we're not having more kids), because in general, she tears up while I pick up and I ended up wanting to cry. An aside to this problem is that the middle kids have been arguing an awful lot--just this week since school started, after school every day, they've been at each other, they just can't get along. And my oldest, Paige, is busy with homework, and lots of it--that's the tragedy of 5th grade. So she will be no help.

Normally my dent is just doing the dishes, laundry, regular stuff--but I never really make a noticeable difference. Next time someone wears clothes or we have a meal, we're back at square one.

But not today, today will be different. I hear the 3 kids playing dress up and singing the Batman theme (you know, "Batman...dadadadadadada....Batman"), all seems to be well, temporarily anyway. I hope and pray. 

So, with that...........I'm off.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.