Friday, September 30, 2011

One of those days

Where really, previously, I would have gone back to bed. Taken the little one to preschool, home and straight to bed. Because of the rain, the cold, the wind, the general ick factor.

and I have always thought...if the schedule wasn't exactly as I had planned, it just wasn't worth doing. But I know now that's not true. So what if I don't run til 11 a.m.? or shower until after I pick her up from preschool? Or I get up late? or I have breakfast at noon? or stay up late watching a Chopped marathon on the Food Network til midnight and miss my bedtime of 10:30 ? (um, yeah, that's happened a few times)

It's not ideal but it really shouldn't stand in the way of happiness.

I'm sure we have all heard, that being on a schedule is good. Routines help us function better! Get up and go to bed at the same time every day, you'll function better. Exercise first thing in the morning, it will get your day off on the right foot!

And all that is true, really. But if it doesn't happen, should we just throw the day away, curl back up in a ball and wait for the next day to start over?

Nah. But that's what I would have done before. Previously. But not now. I will not! It's raining, and I'm going to go run in it.. And I'm going to be happy in it. And it's all going to be fine. I'm going to be thankful for the rain, as I was thankful for the perfect sunny, 70 degree day yesterday.

and if I ever get that routine down, the one that I've practiced for 30-odd years....I'll be thankful for the days I have it, and forgive myself on the days I don't. 

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

What really matters

Again. I've had a lot of bad days lately. I've had lots of ups and downs, even as of yesterday. Lots of days where I couldn't be motivated to do much of anything, and where I let pressures of life and even more so, my negative emotions, get in the way of my well being. I forgot I was supposed to be thankful and rejoice at all times. It's easy to forget if you don't make it a point every day to remember.

I know I will never be perfect but I've always tried. And I think I've always thought, somewhere in my head, that if everything were---if the house was decorated just right--and I lost the right amount of weight---and the hair looked good--and the kids got along---and the money was in the bank---well, *then* I would be happy.

But you know what, I am working on changing it, because I know that is not who God wants me to be. I know I am not to be swayed by my emotions. Emotions can't be trusted. I let the smallest thing change my mood, or alter my attitude...or throw me into a pit of depression. Really. I'm not exaggerating. The time before this last time, it was that the Mailman bought me a kitchen appliance at a garage sale. I thought he spent too much, I thought it was overkill for what I needed or wanted, I thought it took up too much on the kitchen counter. and ridiculous as it sounds...I let that make me angry, then I let it get me down, and then things just sort of spiraled downward from there. For about 4 days, I felt depressed. It wasn't just the kitchen appliance, believe me, but I honestly think that minor annoyance was the catalyst. And I know that's just awful. But once that feeling crept in, it wouldn't go away and it just festered.

So anyway, today I decided to stop it. I went running. And trust me, I'm not really a runner. I just started several weeks ago, a little at a time. But sometimes it gives me solace and it gives me quiet and it gives me time. Time where I'm not tempted to check facebook, or e-mail, or fold laundry, or run the vacuum. Just time.

and I thought and I prayed to God to give me direction. I feel a little lost right now--not sure what career path is in store for me, if any, now that the kids are getting older. And you know, I can't tell you that I heard a voice from heaven, or I got a clear answer, or anything...regarding any of that.

but what I did get was a sense of peace. An understanding, after all this struggle, that my hope is in God. It's in what Jesus did on the cross. It's not in what job I might take, or how clean the house is, or what part the kids get in the play, or how much money we have. It's simply in that Jesus died on the cross.

He is our hope, He is our peace, and our joy.

and I am so thankful for that.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Have I mentioned I hate rain?

I can so relate to Karen Carpenter. Well, part of it anyway.

The rainy days and Mondays (and especially when packaged together) really do get me down part.

Sunshine really makes things better, rain, sort of does the opposite.

So my fresh start day, my onward and upward day, isn't really working out too well. Perhaps tomorrow there will be sunshine. Because I could really use it right about now.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

So really

I am going to try this again. The quest for being okay with everything. I had a good week, things were good. Good weekend, made a decent chunk of change, and (possibly), more importantly, my house lost some weight in my garage sale this weekend. The baby of the family turned *4* yesterday. Should have been a good weekend.

But somewhere along the line, as it often does, this dark cloud formed. I can't even explain where it comes from, and I don't really want to go into it, but it sort of followed me yesterday evening, into this morning, into this afternoon, and then, as usual, the Sunday afternoon blahs crept in, which only magnified the dark cloud.

Which I still can't explain.

Part of it is this thing, this inadequacy, I can't really put my finger on. The baby needs her fourth birthday party, and I don't feel prepared to give it to her here. At our house.

But I need to get things where I feel okay about them. I know things will never be perfect, we will never have everything exactly the way we want them (or...who am I kidding...the way I want them). And the Mailman is so patient with me, he is really trying. Even when I don't want him to.

But I'm going to try. I'm going to go to bed tonight, then wake up tomorrow. And try again.