Again. I've had a lot of bad days lately. I've had lots of ups and downs, even as of yesterday. Lots of days where I couldn't be motivated to do much of anything, and where I let pressures of life and even more so, my negative emotions, get in the way of my well being. I forgot I was supposed to be thankful and rejoice at all times. It's easy to forget if you don't make it a point every day to remember.
I know I will never be perfect but I've always tried. And I think I've always thought, somewhere in my head, that if everything were---if the house was decorated just right--and I lost the right amount of weight---and the hair looked good--and the kids got along---and the money was in the bank---well, *then* I would be happy.
But you know what, I am working on changing it, because I know that is not who God wants me to be. I know I am not to be swayed by my emotions. Emotions can't be trusted. I let the smallest thing change my mood, or alter my attitude...or throw me into a pit of depression. Really. I'm not exaggerating. The time before this last time, it was that the Mailman bought me a kitchen appliance at a garage sale. I thought he spent too much, I thought it was overkill for what I needed or wanted, I thought it took up too much on the kitchen counter. and somehow....as ridiculous as it sounds...I let that make me angry, then I let it get me down, and then things just sort of spiraled downward from there. For about 4 days, I felt depressed. It wasn't just the kitchen appliance, believe me, but I honestly think that minor annoyance was the catalyst. And I know that's just awful. But once that feeling crept in, it wouldn't go away and it just festered.
So anyway, today I decided to stop it. I went running. And trust me, I'm not really a runner. I just started several weeks ago, a little at a time. But sometimes it gives me solace and it gives me quiet and it gives me time. Time where I'm not tempted to check facebook, or e-mail, or fold laundry, or run the vacuum. Just time.
and I thought and I prayed to God to give me direction. I feel a little lost right now--not sure what career path is in store for me, if any, now that the kids are getting older. And you know, I can't tell you that I heard a voice from heaven, or I got a clear answer, or anything...regarding any of that.
but what I did get was a sense of peace. An understanding, after all this struggle, that my hope is in God. It's in what Jesus did on the cross. It's not in what job I might take, or how clean the house is, or what part the kids get in the play, or how much money we have. It's simply in that Jesus died on the cross.
He is our hope, He is our peace, and our joy.
and I am so thankful for that.