Yesterday I was having a particularly hard day. Maybe you can tell it in my post, maybe not. ;-)
But I was. I was having some guilt about not being the best parent. About being at home with Bea but not fully being home with her--having my thoughts and my energy somewhere else, not fully at home.
And thinking about going to find a job somewhere other than home.
Yesterday she and I went nowhere til we had to pick up Henry and Eleanor from school and take Henry to his violin lesson. It was a Thursday, and generally Thursdays are pretty empty for us--for Bea and me. And I asked her, "do you like days at home with mommy, not doing much of anything...or do you like days where you go to preschool and PDO and gymnastics and grandma's? Which kind of day do you like better?" (trying to get a feeling for how much she wants me home with her--and how guilty I should feel if I find a job away)
"I like bofe of them better" was her reply.
So where does that leave me?
Still searching for answers, and trying to be content with where I am. Still working on that one.
On a totally unrelated note, no matter what, whether or not I find a job somewhere, I am thankful for this today: God's provision in my (and my family's) life.
This morning after preschool Bea and I ran to the grocery to pick up a few forgotten items for our slow-cooker dinner. When we entered, two older women gave us a small slip of paper and asked if we would consider giving to Christian Ministries for a food pantry.
Cans of soup, cans of vegetables, cans of tuna. Bea asked me what those ladies were doing and I realized how hard it is to explain to your 4 year old that some people don't have enough food, or money to buy food, or even warm homes to sleep in at night.
and that makes me feel so thankful that I do have those things.
We've had tough years in our past, where we really didn't know how our bills would get paid--before Nathan got his job, when we were just piecing money together here and there. And we had lots of blessings from God: little blessings, big blessings: a few meals brought to us, hand me down clothing, even cash from an anonymous source through our church. We never did learn who it was who gave us a generous gift in an hour when we truly needed it, but they knew--somehow--what we needed and they provided.
I hope to help someone else out in a big way someday, but until that day, I am thankful for what I have. I hope my children learn to be thankful as well.