I don't know about the job yet--I'm still not sure what I'll say if it is offered to me. I considered working as a substitute teacher instead. Or doing nothing. And staying home and trying to get some things in order: house, kids, myself, take care of that laundry list of things I have been putting off forever.
I still thought maybe I could sub once or twice a week. And then Sunday night I had this awful dream. It started out as my son's birthday party, but none of the kids would listen to me. All I wanted to do was take a group picture--and none of them would be still and line up.
I kept saying, "okay, tall kids in the back, mediums in the middle, littles in the front" like they were lining up for a class picture or something. Only the kids were running around screaming. And I kept looking at the Mailman, and putting my fingers to my mouth as if I wanted him to whistle to get their attention. Because they clearly weren't listening to me.
Then somehow it morphed into a school situation, in which all the kids abruptly left the classroom, and left all of their papers on the floor, and on the desks, and on the tables and chairs. And suddenly it was the lunchroom--and everyone came in for lunch: hundreds of kids and teachers marched in. I was crawling around on the floor frantically picking up the kids' papers and coats they had left behind. And I felt awful, and inadequate. And I realized when I awoke that maybe substitute teaching wouldn't work out either.
So last night I had a nice talk with the Mailman and we determined that maybe I do just need some time to put things in order. Starting with just one thing at a time. Some days I try to tackle it all at once, and end up feeling unmotivated and frustrated.
So today I'm going to make a list of what is reasonable (and not what *I* think is reasonable, but what is really reasonable), and tackle what I can. Like today, maybe that means dishes. Getting things back in reasonable order then tackling one thing at a time.
Matthew 6:25-27: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"